Gerald Lucas, a psychotherapist who runs an institute in New York City, used to tell his patients he regretted he couldn’t make the world a better place – he could only make them better able to handle it the way it is.
Sometimes the key to happiness is a little like the key to Weight Watchers – learning to stay away from things that are bad for you.
Luck certainly plays a role. My relatives fled to the United States from Poland and Lithuania because the Czar and other nasties were oppressive, violent rulers. Forty years later, Hitler rolled in and committed the worst crimes in human history. It could have been my relatives in those Nazis death camps, but for dumb luck and the determination to leave the bad behind and seek something better.
The world can seem like an unpleasant place sometimes. If you need evidence, open this morning’s paper and take a look.
As a psychotherapist, patients bring plenty more proof that evil exists. It’s a good wake up to some harsh realities. As with everything else in psychotherapy, awareness is all.
One of my patients was violently raped in her early twenties. Working with a rape survivor taught me a lot about human dignity and the process of recovery from trauma. It also taught me about rape. Knowing someone who has been victimized by violence introduces you the fact that it really happens, to real people, all too often.
This woman gave me a book to read about rape, “Lucky,” by Alice Sebold, the author of “The Lovely Bones.” It is a memoir of Sebold’s own experience of rape, and a book I shall never forget. My patient taught me another important lesson: if something like that happens to you, you will do everything in your power to avoid letting it happen again. She took a self-defense class, carried a can of mace, and never again walked home alone late at night. There are predators out there, and at very least, you can take all available precautions.
So this week, when a beautiful young female patient complained to me about what she’d been through recently, I wasn’t surprised. In the past year she’d had a guy slip a drug into her drink, an older man – a professor, no less – approach her inappropriately for sex, countless construction workers whistle at her, and a best friend fall victim to domestic violence, then return to the boyfriend who beat her up. It was quite a list, but I believed every word. We talked about how she could be careful – and stay away from people who mean her no good.
Another patient I saw recently had a run in with a sociopath, a person who lacks a conscience. A sociopath will tell you whatever you want to hear, take pleasure in lying to you and generally not give your feelings a thought as he pursues his own agenda. “Sociopath,” or the technical term, “Anti-social Personality Disorder,” are arguably just mental health lingo for a criminal. Many of the people who populate our prisons – the hard-core law-breakers – are socipaths.
The sort of run-in that happened to my patient could happen to anyone, and all too often it does. It’s not a nice experience. This guy was very charming, and appeared to have a successful career. He moved in with her and said he wanted to marry her and have a child. What he didn’t mention was that he already had a family – a wife and children – who knew nothing about this other relationship. The “business trips” were spent with this family, 20 blocks away.
My patient asked what she could do now that she’d discovered the truth. I gave her my blanket advice for dealing with sociopaths: stay far away. She moved somewhere else, and hasn’t seen him since.
Obviously, women aren’t the only people who are victimized by evil deeds – although they do seem to receive more than their fair share. Children are victimized in terrible ways each and every day, and I’ve worked with adult men who have survived domestic violence, sexual abuse and other ills. Bad things can happen to anyone.
My point here isn’t that the world and everyone and everything in it are bad. There is plenty of good out there, too. It’s just that you need to keep what is bad far away – and, at the same time, pull the good nice and close.
In everyday life, that means more than just staying away from predators and sociopaths.
It also means:
Don’t date someone if he doesn’t treat you with kindness, consideration and respect. He should be grateful and appreciative to have you in his life – or you can find someone who will be.
Don’t work in a setting that is hostile or toxic. Your workplace should make you feel appreciated for the work you do. You should look forward to coming in to work each day – or you should work someplace else.
Don’t consider someone a friend unless he’s got your back. “Friend” is a powerful term – it means someone you can say anything to and who can say anything to you. It implies loyalty, caring, trust and respect. Anything less is an “acquaintance.”
Breathe in the good. Breathe out the bad.
Sometimes it’s that simple.
The People's Therapist 
Thanks, Will. You’re awesome.
It goes without saying that you’re awesome too, Pam. Very awesome.
Peter S. (sp?) role in AN EDUCATION…. living breathing very ATTRACTIVE sociopath.
Now: Will – and at some point MAY one ease up on “surviorship” and get to a normal life?
I was molested at 7, raped from 9 – 13 by cousins, and my Grandfather’s “boy” from 13 -15.
At some point, I am hoping to just relax into my “normal life?” “Surviving” has been quite
a life thus far, Sir. I own my business. Have a partner (17 years my senior) and 40 yars
5/23. Extended family and good friends. And ALWAYS looking over my shoulder. Tiring. J.
Of course, John. You are a testimony that you can do more than survive. You can thrive.
For me, the rapes were bad, I was celibate for 20 years. They drugged me, raped me in public while the state police just stood there and watched. The EEOC told me to quit my job?
What would that do to your head, when you tell the EEOC that the guy rapes women in public, in the workplace, and the EEOC tells you to quit your job.
I was “under investigation” for years for reporting a rapist to the government.
This guy raped more than a dozen women before me.
Right out in pubic, in the workplace……..I think he belongs in prison, so far, the government is not real concerned about any of this.
That is the part that really gets to my head.. the four months of being raped, drugged, they made rape porn films of the rapes,
and then, under the provisions of the VAWA, he gets his rape cases “sealed”
as far as the government is concerned , he never raped anyone
That is the part that is really freaking me out.
Nazi Germany did not do this to their own women, allowing corporations to rape women, allowing these men to rape women in public,
then cover up the crimes, “case file sealing” , “evidence sealing” to protect an “individuals” right to a fair trial.
I am not sure why there would have to be a trial, the guy rapes women in public
If he did that at Wal-Mart, they come get him an put him in prison.
That is not the way it works when the guy rapes women in the workplace.
That is the part that is really working on my head. It is the government, allowing these known rapes, and covering up known rapes,
And they call that one, THE VAWA
Is anyone concerned that the guy rapes women in public? I have a federal court order that states “no crime alleged”
I can be reached at 302-836-8106
Beverly, rape is a terrible crime. I hope you are getting the support you need to survive this trauma. My thoughts are with you. Will
Nazi’s did not do this to their own women.
Raping women in public, in the workplace, in America.
I am not asking you to make this a better world. Someone put a stop to Nazi’s
Someone has to do something about this VAWA, “federalized rape system” designed by Joe Biden, and implemented by the Congress.
How is it you can “pay a fine” to rape a woman in America?
Will,
The people who have commented before me are incredibly brave to share their stories with all of us who read your blog. As a different type of trauma survivor one who didn’t have anything done to my physical person. I was wondering do you think you might consider the topic of resiliency in a future post?
Jen
“You are one tough little kid” touches on this issue –
https://thepeoplestherapist.com/2010/02/01/you-are-one-tough-little-kid/
Please take a look and tell me what you think.
Those childhood experiences sets the stage for us as adults. Re-read Tough Little Kid.. was a nice post. Thanks for heads up!!
Rape is a crime. Everyone agrees on that point. Does anyone know who exactly enforces the law? It is not the State Police, or Federal Law enforcement. The state let him rape women, in public, in the workplace, for years,, the cop just watches him rape women.
I did survive, I got out alive, I am not sure all the women did. This guy was looking at 20 to life on his 10th or 12th serious violent felony rape.
I was looking at the nine iron. I’m sure he would kill rather than go to prison, his company felt the same way about it. (he makes a lot of money for them)
At this point, I am sure it is the government that is allowing corporations to rape women, because, if this guy raped women at Wal-Mart, he would be in prison.
I am sure IT IS the Congress, the White House, the VAWA that is the reason that thousands of women are being raped, in the workplace IN AMERICA
hile I appreciate your thoughts, is there someone that knows how to put a man in prison for his 10th -12th serious violent felony rape?
Because even the children in that town are raped, burned alive on Main Street…
the owner/operator of this small town, rapes women, in public, putting on a show for the neighborhood, the police just stand there and watch.
“sealed felony rapes” don’t count if you have a “white collar” (courtesy, the VEEP)
This guy rapes women in public, like it was some kind of game, sick depraved human sport of the corporations, the criminal defense attorneys, the courts, the police, the entire federal system that is allowing rape in the workplace
In violation of Federal Statute law.
Will.. your family escaped the Nazi’s. That is the last time I can remember that raping women in public was in vogue.
the Nazi’s did it to Jewish women, in the concentration camps
I can’t leave the country, I have spent all that I have trying to put that rapist in prison.
I can’t work, that is part if it, “litigation” means they “litigate” , “cut” your source of income… your unemployable after the EEOC investigation is over
The man rapes women in public, is there anyone , other than myself concerned ?
Nazi’s did not allow this raping of women, in public, “sealing files, records”
“sealed rapes” don’t count..
The town is Oxford PA 19363………maybe you speak to someone in a position of power
that has the morality to say “this is America”…and we are not going to let corporations rape our women
One serial rapist, that has been covering up his rapes, under the federal rapists subsidy, the VAWA
should go to prison. It is just that simple.
Please, try to find someone that will simply get ONE rapist out of the workplace, and in prison
Oxford PA 19363 they all know him………he puts on “rape parties” for the entertainment of the neighborhood
the have an annual sado machochist convention come to town, perps walk the streets trying to pick up kids,
Please, find that one man, in a position of power to do that, put a rapist in prison
Please, for the Amish girls, that watched Charles Roberts, “have a party”
It was not Barack Obama or Joe Biden, they are the problem…VAWA