Office romances are endemic in the legal profession. I see them constantly with my patients.
Why is there so much fooling around at law firms?
Triangulation.
A partner in a couple “triangulates” – looking to a third party to replace what’s missing in his relationship.
For lawyers, that boils down to time spent together.
One married lawyer told me she flirts with a junior associate at her office. She loves her husband, but never sees him. Flirting with the junior satisfies her craving for sexual attention. Lately, though, they’ve been going out for drinks, and she’s afraid something will happen she’ll regret.
Single lawyers experience the same romantic isolation. One said she hadn’t been to a bar or club – let alone a party – for over a year. She keeps canceling dates because of work, and her friends no longer ask her out because she always says no. This month she’s been working late nights with another associate at her firm and they’ve started hooking up.
Most people divide their days in three equal parts: You work. You play. And you sleep.
Lawyers sleep – sometimes. But they don’t play – they just work. Then they work some more.
When work replaces play, you find yourself playing at work: taking Facebook breaks, creating candy games to get through doc review…or letting things turn jiggy with co-workers.
Is there a problem with getting it on at the office?
If you’re married, or in a committed relationship, the answer is easy: yes. That’s because, if you’re sleeping around, you’re lying to someone.
There’s nothing sacred or holy about monogamy. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You wouldn’t want someone to lie to you, so you shouldn’t lie to him.
For single lawyers the issues are subtler, but the answer is still yes – there is a problem.
The dysfunction created by a law firm romance is epitomized by the archetypal hook-up between a 40-something male partner and a 20-something female associate.
I see it all the time, and yes, sometimes it’s a female partner and sometimes it’s between two men or two women. Doesn’t matter. It’s a train wreck.
The partner is riding out a power trip. He’s on his second or third wife, using status and money to avoid other issues like personal insecurities and fear of commitment.
The associate gets a rush of power, too. Suddenly she’s the center of attention for a guy earning seven figures – and he’s hinting that things are falling apart with the wife.
Two big problems…
First, exploitation.
I don’t care if he’s sexy and powerful and paying you a lot of flattering attention and doesn’t seem like such a bad guy.
There’s a massive power differential and that equals exploitation.
Controlling an associate’s every waking hour and earning twenty times her salary ought to suffice to satisfy this guy’s need for attention.
Sleeping with her crosses a line that shouldn’t be crossed.
Second, role confusion.
Roles exist to keep boundaries clear.
The associate is an employee. The partner is first and foremost her boss. He decides what work she does, how much she does of it and how much she’s paid. He might decide whether she can take a vacation. Theoretically, he teaches her how to be a better lawyer. And at the end of the day, he decrees whether or not she’s any good.
It confuses everything if he’s feeling up her breasts in the back seat of the black car.
Eventually, things come to a head, and work and play collide. Like when he dumps her because he and his wife are “giving it another chance.” Or when, a few weeks later, he gives her a bad review and jeopardizes her job.
I’ve seen this scenario play out too many times.
Partners should not be sleeping with associates at their firms. It’s un-professional and un-cool. If he wants to pursue a relationship, he can get to know you first, then help you transfer to another firm.
Ordinary law firm romances, even without the difference in age or power, rarely work either. There might not be the element of exploitation, but role confusion manages to muck everything up.
Sex creates an intimate connection, even if you’re both doing your damndest to ignore it. Someone – or both of you – feels a connection. If it doesn’t work out – and most hook-ups don’t turn into anything more – then someone is going to feel a rejection. There could be strong unresolved feelings.
Things turn especially uncomfortable when that guy it didn’t work out with is also the of-counsel who’s handling a super-important deposition with you. Or the junior helping you prepare a $400 million securities issuance.
The tension of a high-pressure workplace only increases when sexual or romantic overtones are added to the mix.
It is already a challenge sharing a workplace – especially putting in long hours in a competitive environment.
Relationships are a challenge, too – tough enough to pull off under the best of circumstances.
Combining workplace and personal issues is asking for trouble.
Some boundaries are worth respecting.
Ed. note: I understand that there will be debate – and disagreement – over the contents of this column. Please send me your own experiences of law firm dalliances, and we’ll continue this discussion in a future post.
[This piece is part of a series of columns created by The People’s Therapist in cooperation with AboveTheLaw.com. My thanks to ATL for their help with the creation of this series.]
If you enjoy these columns, please check out The People’s Therapist’s new book.
Thank you for this post. I, unfortunately, am not attracted to any of my colleagues. But I regret that I am not, because in my view, they are some of the better candidates for dating. I have a fun and active social life, despite being a Biglaw associate. But I tend to meet people who are not educated or who are quite a bit younger than me. I’m not judgmental, but these types of differences have gotten in the way of successful relationships in the past. I try to meet people through friends, but most of my friends are in couples these days. I also think that statistically many married people meet at work. So while I agree with many of the statements in your post (i.e., don’t sleep with a married partner), I am not so sure that an office romance is the worst idea.
Interesting observations. I wonder too about another type of triangulation going on — the two people involved being unable to express and deal with their anger at their workplace and acting it out with behavior that takes their focus off their work.
I enjoy your insightful and articulate posts.
For the record, I’ve worked in BigLaw 5 years and never had an office romance, or even any sexual tension with my female colleagues. I’ve been happily and faithfully married during that 5 year stint.
I understand and, to some extent, agree with everything that has been said above. When measured against conventional romance, office romance is absolutely a mistake. But conventional romance really an option for biglaw associates? I mean, I was lucky enough to already be married when I climbed on the biglaw treadmill (and luckier still to be married when I climbed off). But I couldn’t imagine working at the firm and trying to date conventionally.
So does anything said in this post change when office romance is measured against what, for many, is the only real alternative: no romance? With all the downsides of having a colleague as a romantic partner, there are indeed many upsides.
Among the most significant: they understand the busy times when you’re going to trial, closing a deal, etc. So they are less likely to feel slighted when their companion is constantly checking the blackberry at dinner, or can only make tentative plans (and often cancels), etc. Also, they’re more likely to be interested in (and able to relate to) the stuff that happens to you at work. So when you have to vent about the abuse du jour you took, they’ll understand. (Many biglaw folks — myself included — often heard a response along the lines of, “they pay you enough damn money… you should just put up with it” when venting. Although that’s true to a degree — and we DO put up with it — it’s nice to be able to talk to someone who appreciates the fine line between abuse associates happily put up with, and abuse that comes close to or crosses the line.)
There’s always the option of dating someone at another firm. You might find yourself opposing one another in court, or on a deal – but you’re right – they will understand your situation in a way perhaps only another biglaw lawyer can.
There’s always that exception to the rule. I’d be interested to know how closely you work together. If you’re on another floor and doing unrelated work, it might not be much of an issue.
Agreed, that’s preferable. But only rarely feasible.
It can be many years before one has meaningful face-to-face contact with one’s adversaries. And even then, the pool of potential dates is pretty small.
This is all avoiding the issue though: suppose, for the moment, that the *only* alternative to an office romance is no romance. What then? You’ve fairly and adequately sketched out the downsides of an office romance. What about the downsides for no romance?
The toll that the unbridled worship of “the billable hour” takes on lawyers’ personal lives is a very real issue – and one I’ll tackle in a future column. But I agree – “no romance” is not an option that’s going to bring anyone happiness.
I have been dating a coworker for over a year without any problems. Same age though.
I do have one friend married to a lawyer and they met at the same firm (when they met, not anymore), and there was a power imbalance (similar ages, but one had gone to law school later in life so was a new hire while the other was a partner).
However, they dealt with the attraction appropriately and ethically (in my view). First, they were both single. Second, as I was told, they discussed whether or not to pursue a relationship or leave each other alone, the effect on the non-partner’s career (the partner would be obliged to disclose the relationship to fellow partners making hiring decisions and not participate, etc.). The non-partner did eventually end up going elsewhere to work, the other lawyer’s still a partner at that firm, they’re married and both get along well with lawyers at the firm they once both worked at, aside from being likable, because they behaved properly.
It sounds like they did it the right way – and it worked.
I think the “how close do you work together” is important. If it’s close together I think the whole post applies, if not, it could definitely avoid many of these problems…
I agree with many of your points, but disagree overall as to the “never date in the office rule” – my comments are generally here: http://datenochaser.blogspot.com/2010/04/where-you-eat-aka-reason-234234987-why.html
Enjoyable post though!
My SO and I work at the same firm but we are roughtly the same seniority and — I think this is important — we don’t actually work together or even for the same partners (completely different departments). As a previous poster noted, its nice to be with someone who understands the job. The added benefit of being at the same firm is there is no chance we will end up opposite each other and there are fewer worries about conlflicts or confidentiality when we talk about work.
No romance makes some of us happy. Why would I want to listen to some sycophantic ninny spout on and on about her day when I’ve just spent 20 straight hours being beaten like a rented mule? Sleep > sex.
Didn’t our president meet his lovely wife while he was a summer associate and she was a junior associate at Sidley Austin?
I think it’s an interesting post, and while I agree with most of your points, I do think there are certain situations where an office romance can work. As you might guess from the name, I am currently in a [very happy, long-term] relationship with a co-worker, and I know many lawyers that met and married someone they worked with. I think the key is that it has to be a peer (a single one!), in a different practice area, and preferably on a different floor. If things don’t work out (or if you are having a fight), the chances of having to see each other are not that high. Another strong suggestion to making it work is to tell as few people at the office as possible (if any). Sharing the ups and downs of your love life with other co-workers is never a great idea, but can cause particularly big issues when your bf/gf/ex works in the same office. Finally, and this may be too obvious to even point out, you should not just “hook up” with someone or have a fling. Obviously you can never predict if things will work out, but if you are going to start something with a co-worker, it should be someone you like and respect and get along with as a person and a friend, and not just someone you think is hot.
Dating a biglaw co-worker has all of the advantages that “out of curiosity” mentioned, plus the advantage that when one or both of you is crazy busy, at least you can get a few minutes to visit in person in one of your offices. I’ve read surveys showing that 20-30% (or higher) of married couples met at work. When you are a biglaw associate, with limited time outside of the office, I think you are extremely lucky if you find someone special in your office. You just need to make sure you conduct the relationship in the right way.
“Ordinary law firm romances, even without the difference in age or power, rarely work either. There might not be the element of exploitation, but role confusion manages to muck everything up.
Sex creates an intimate connection, even if you’re both doing your damndest to ignore it. Someone – or both of you – feels a connection.”
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Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately, as it speaks well of your character), you are applying too much of a positive, optimistic value sense to most humans (particularly those in BigLaw) ha; I know lawyers sleeping with other lawyers while one or both are engaged to someone else…literally they are going from talking on the phone with their fiancee about the wedding planning to jumping in bed with the other person…such people are so utterly soulless and devoid of morality that there will be no confusion, nor connection, in regards to these dalliances and any subsequent fallout…I don’t believe people like these are capable of honesty or intimacy and thus will happily (more happily in ways than those of us who care about hurting others, about others; feelings and life) prance around in life reveling in their selfish debauchery.
Didn’t President and Mrs. Obama meet when they were both working at biglaw, and she was his mentor? Seems to have worked out well for them.
“Combining workplace and personal issues is asking for trouble.” Nicely understated. Most of the time, it ends very badly — for the people involved and the employer. It’s called sexual harassment, and it can be very expensive to fix.
If there’s a place other than work to meet women, we’d love to hear it. This is like saying, “Don’t date anyone who sits next to you in your Intro to Econ class, because if it doesn’t work out, it will be SOOO awkward!” Yes, it will. But when you’re 19, your fellow students are your dating pool. And after you graduate, your co-workers comprise your dating pool. Why? Because long observation of human behavior can attest that women like the cute co-worker who sits on their floor, not the stranger (who is ironically a cute co-worker of someone else on a different floor in a different building) who picks them up at a bar.
No, it ain’t perfect, Will, but we’ll take the good moments when they come. And if we have to change seats in English class or move departments at work, it’ll totally be worth it.
I often ask my friends this question too. The response I inevitably get? …”Church.” As a non-church goer I suppose I’m sticking to getting rejected at the clubs.
Hi Will, Can you please do a post on healthy coping mechanisms (not substance abuse) for surviving life in BigLaw with your soul intact, for those of us who just want to hang in long enough until we can go elsewhere (i.e. a few years)? Certainly exercise is great advice, and having a personal life and lots of friends on the “outside” for sanity and perspective, as well as having a sense of humor and not letting work get to you, but are there other concrete steps I can take? I’m really struggling here. It’s a tough place and I’m trying not to let the toxic environment corrode my soul as much as I can. Every second outside of work I nourish my soul, but I’m having a real tough time. Any guidance you can provide would be so much appreciated. Thank you.
A female lawyer and a male non-lawyer are working in the same law firm. Each are married to others. They secretly carry on a year-long sexual affair. Could the affair be carried on without the knowledge of others at the firm? The female lawyer and her husband separated before he had any knowledge of the intra-office affair. The divorce complaint was based on a statutory separation. But here’s the rub: the lawyer was represented in the divorce by the DR partner in her firm. Around the time of the uncontested divorce and agreement, the husband received the proverbial call from the scorned wife of the non-lawyer. She told him all she knew. When confronted after the decree was signed, the now ex- wife lawyer admitted her transgressions. She also admitted that her attorney, the DR partner, knew all about the intra office affair. The DR partner saw nothing wrong in representing the female attorney in his office in her divorce, and felt no obligation to be forthright with the court (pleading made no mention of adultery) or opposing attorney , about the adultery during the pendency of the case. Interrogatories were due but extensions were routinely granted. Postscript- both the female attorney and the male non lawyer remain employed at the law firm.
Is it me, or is there something ethically wrong with this picture?