Remember when you were a kid, and you got caught doing something you shouldn’t, and a big cloud formed over your head?
You were “in trouble.”
The other kids sort of inched out of your path and exchanged looks. They didn’t want any piece of what you had coming. Mom was going to talk to you later. Or dad. You’d done something wrong.
It feels that way sometimes at a big law firm – in fact, a lot of the time.
Maybe you forget to ask a crucial question during a deposition. Or you wrote a memo that didn’t have the answer your partner wanted. Maybe – and this happened to me once – you ended up getting berated for being “too friendly” to the other side at a drafting conference. Maybe you’re still not sure exactly what you did wrong, but it must have been something. It’s always something.
The cloud hangs over you in the office and follows you home. When you were a kid, it eventually dissipated, but now it lingers indefinitely. What’s really going on?
A little dose of anxiety is being injected into you, in the form of a thought.
Anxiety is triggered by cognition – predictive thoughts. You predict something bad is going to happen, so you clutch up in preparation – tense up and prepare for attack.
At a law firm, the standard predictive cognition – the expectation – is that you are going to be criticized. They do that a lot at law firms. It is a fair guess that if something goes wrong, you are going to be blamed – and things go wrong all the time.
It got to the point for me, at Sullivan & Cromwell, that I felt my entire body clench in preparation for attack just walking through the doors of 125 Broad Street and stepping into that elevator.
When you spend long periods of time tensed up, on alert for attack, it takes a toll on your nervous system. In fact, it can produce lasting damage.
In World War I, soldiers spent weeks in trenches under fire, crouched in terror, waiting for that next bomb or bullet with their name on it. Those were some of the first documented cases of what was called “shell shock” then and PTSD now – Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
It might seem a stretch to suggest that lawyers at big law firms suffer from PTSD symptoms.
But that’s exactly what I’m doing.
PTSD has three general “clusters” of symptoms:
-hyperarousal (an “on guard” or “easily startled” feeling)
-numbing/avoidance (emotional deadening)
-intrusive (flashbacks, nightmares)
I’ve worked with lawyers who are literally jumpy from the sense of having enemies – hyper-critical, angry attacking partners – spring out at them whenever they let down their guard.
I’ve seen lawyers who have numbed themselves until they barely admit to feeling emotions, even in a therapist’s office.
And yes, lawyers have nightmares about their firms. One former attorney had a recurrent dream in which he realized he was back in his old office. He knew the dream so well he’d start thinking his way out of it right from the start, telling himself it wasn’t like it used to be – that he’d left the firm, they didn’t own him, they couldn’t hurt him anymore, he could get his coat and leave.
Some law firm environments are so punishing and toxic that they produce trauma and trigger PTSD symptoms. At least, that’s what I’ve witnessed over the years from lawyers I’ve seen as clients.
My best advice for anyone working under these conditions is to get some support – and to leave this environment as soon as possible.
At very least, you need to create a “safe zone” – or multiple “safe zones” where you can let down your guard and actually try to relax.
That might mean finding an hour in your day to hit the gym, or take a yoga class.
It might mean walking through the park during lunch, or just eating outside, at a picnic table, and watching the children in the playground.
It might mean setting aside time to spend with good friends, no matter how busy you are.
It might mean making sure you disappear into a book, or play your favorite video game, for half an hour before you go to sleep at night.
The key is reserving a bit of “you” time when you can feel safe, secure, and intact within yourself.
And yes, it might mean taking an hour each week to talk to a therapist. I call my office “A Quiet Room” for a reason – it’s intended to be a place where there are no distractions and the focus is on you.
You can’t spend your life “in trouble.” The price you pay for living under a cloud might be higher than you think.
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This piece is part of a series of columns presented by The People’s Therapist in cooperation with AboveTheLaw.com. My thanks to ATL for their help with the creation of this series.
If you enjoy these columns, please check out The People’s Therapist’s new book, Way Worse Than Being A Dentist: The Lawyer’s Quest for Meaning
I also heartily recommend my first book, an introduction to the concepts behind psychotherapy, Life is a Brief Opportunity for Joy
(Both books are also available on bn.com and the Apple iBookstore.)
The People's Therapist 
Will,
This is how all law firms operate, big or small. True story: I was once reprimanded (ie, “in trouble”) after a meeting with an expert witness and the paralegal who sat in on the interview reported back to my supervising partner that I hadn’t been taking notes fast enough. You remember the line from “Ferris Bueller” about being tense enough squeeze a lump of coal into a diamond. Those kinds of reprimands will make you into that person in short order.
I don’t know where this s— comes from, but I have two ideas: One, the legal field is–through self selection–full of people with inherently “punitive” personalities. Two: law school. The biggest surprise for me about law school wasn’t the work or the competitive atmosphere, it was the public scoldings that the professors delivered to students who they thought were unprepared or otherwise not up to speed. A lot of the successful lawyers I know are motivated by sheer, unmitigated terror. That’s probably a personal characteristic in a lot of them, but law school certainly made it worse.
Completely on point! I tensed up just reading the article, thinking of all the things I’ve done in the last couple of days that could be construed as wrong. Unfortunately, that kind of feeling follows where ever I go. Sitting in the park, reading a book, jogging, all I think about is what they might say to me, what I plan to say back, and how much I’m willing to take before I reach my breaking point. But I’m still new (2-yr associate). I’m working for the day when I’ll be competent, independent, and confident enough to know that I’m a good attorney and can do well enough on my own somewhere else if they have a problem with me.
Fear is definitely the key motivator. My dad was a lawyer, so I grew up with this. It took me a long time to understand that every day I went to the office, I was re-living the bad aspects of my youth. I’m more aware now, but it takes a lot of work.
True story:
When I was an associate (5th year, maybe), I once told a young partner I liked and admired, how difficult I found it to be “on” at every moment of every day–how hard I found it not to make a mistake. He said, “Yeah, but you have to be on. You have to.” Ok, I thought, I get it.
Two days later, the same guy comes into my office to talk about a case he had, and tells me, without irony, that he found it really hard to be “on” all the time. No reference to what I had said. He thought it was his idea. I didn’t know what to say. I think I just nodded.
I’ve had this experience with certain people before. I could be off base (and I’m definitely not a professional psychologist or therapist), but I think this is a narcissistic tendency. Narcissists absorb (appropriate?) your ideas / identity, almost unconsciously. They don’t seem able or willing to recognize or respect others’ independent existence, uniqueness, or originality.
Yeah, that pretty much describes this guy.
This post really hit a nerve. I am 5 years in and so, so tired of being “on-guard”. It’s a huge relief to read your posts about law firm life. Sometimes after a long stretch, you forget what is normal and what is not normal. I look at my partners and junior partners, and they all seem so downtrodden. This is definitely not the life for me.
I don’t want to generalize and lump people together because people work for different reasons, but what do you think about the people who stay and grind it out for 30+ years? Are they masochists? I’m trying to understand why anyone would want to live like this for so long, at any client’s beck and call.
I was wondering that too – who does this to themselves for 30 years. Then I read the post below from “Chris” and realized that’s who.
I’m also at the 5 year mark and I think reaching my limit.
I do think that a certain amount of defensive apathy and “on guard” readiness to reply can be helpful. By far the most pervasive no no in law is to use “after acquired” information to try to undo or undermine a decision to do (or not do) something you’ve already done (or not done.) For example(s): client hires lawyer on contingency to do something and lawyer gets a quick result with relatively little time and effort and gets a big fee. Client cries foul — “fee too big! lawyer didn’t do enuf!! you’re not worth that much!!!” So Monday morning it looks like a bad deal to the client only because he now knows what the income/output was. Hey! I didn’t come to you and force you to hire me! You came to me!
But people (bosses, judges, co-workers, etc., etc., etc.) engage in this intellectually dishonest exercise all day every day. If only we’d have done (or not done) X, then Y wouldn’t (our would) have happened. But rarely does this sort of Monday morning quarterbacking ever really amount to behavior changing results. We work with the information we HAVE, not the information we MIGHT HAVE HAD. It’s total crap, and frustrated people need someone and someone to blame for their life’s problems. I say find a kind way to tell such people to “F@#$ Off and Die” and only come to me with a useful suggestion next time. End rant.
Oh, I remember the trauma well at my old firm. It’s better at my current firm, where I’ve been for almost five years, but as a newbie lawyer at the old firm I was given difficult tasks with no help and then lambasted for not doing a perfect job. For example I had to put together apostilles and assignments etc. for African countries, and the paralegal refused to help me. There’s only so much you can learn from the internet. I caught hell for not getting it all perfect. I also had a secretary who screwed things up…mixing up envelopes when mailing things out, doing stuff wrong, and it is really hard for a newbie lawyer to catch secretary mistakes….I was finally fired. Thank god I had enough of a good reputation that I was hired at my current firm where I have thrived. But still, a stressful job.
I understand the point you’re trying to make and I agree that a big firm job can be stressful. But come on. You’re getting paid to eat shit. So do it. Or don’t. It’s that easy. Someone else will take your place. Entitlement = so 2008.
I get the analogy, I really do. And I like this site. A little perspective perhaps?
Big difference:
You can’t quit the military whenever you feel like.
You can leave a firm (or any other job) WHENEVER you WANT!
Not when you are $75k in debt to pay for the degree that got you here. Then you can’t leave a firm whenever you want.
Well, you can leave, but there will be fall-out. I don’t mean to minimize the agony of massive school debts. Many of my clients feel trapped by their weight. But you must re-frame each aspect of your life as a conscious choice. Even if you still decide to remain at the firm to pay them off, at least you are owning that decision, rather than going victim and giving in to feelings of helplessness. You are not helpless. Your options may be limited, and the consequences severe, but you are making a choice.
$75K is nothing. New grads are looking at $230K that will amortize into $450K. That’s a problem. But you can still leave. If you’re that unhappy, I’d suggest you bail and take advantage of the new income contingent repayment plans. Then I can take your job, and everyone wins.
This is so on-target it’s frightening. I’ve moved onto a happy afterlife, but from time to time I look at the website of my old firm. It did everything for me now that I’m in-house, but the partner for whom I worked was brilliant and abusive. He only had one associate at a time and went through about 6 associates in 4 years (which his colleagues gleefully noted to me when I announced that I was leaving for an in-house position). Even our shared secretary – the nicest person who ever lived – responded without empathy when told that the partner hadn’t seen his mother since he was 3: “There comes a time for everyone to get over things.” Anyhoo, I can’t even look at his picture on the site and I haven’t been there for almost five years.
Wow, thank you for this. I do not currently work in a law firm, but I spent one summer in one. That was enough for me. Now I’m preparing to be a yoga teacher because this mindset simply cannot work. I think that you are right, at some level, that lawyers suffer from our own form of PTSD. It’s not the trauma that you get in the trenches of life or death, but the trauma that comes from years of trying to be perfect, trying to do what is perfect in someone else’s mind, and trying to create a life that meets someone else’s expectations. I hope the legal profession finds a way out, for the sake of the lawyers and their clients.
Will,
Unfortunately I think this is becoming more and more common in work atmospheres across the spectrum of employment. I’m not a lawyer nor do I have any experience in BigLaw offices but I spend more time in the “trouble bubble” than I care to admit. I suspect the abundance of work induced PTSD symptoms is a reflection of numerous causes regardless of industry; high stress jobs (of which it seems BigLaw is especially time consuming), managers who stink at managing, unreasonable expectations (both personally and from managers/coworkers), and an unfortunate combination of inadequate coping skills. I think maintaining a healthy mental state at work requires you to keep a healthy mental state at home as well. I honestly believe those who succeed in achieving a healthy life balance and can “remove” themselves from negativity can be successful regardless of the specific work environment.
I was in therapy when I was at a big firm. I told my therapist about how I was always getting yelled at for this or that, that it was always for the last thing I expected, but that it was always coming. I’d walk in in the morning and think “what am I going to get smacked for today?” I had a more junior associate under me and he was just the best guy. He was earnest and hard-working and just tried his best every day so when the senior associate or young partner started winding up to take him down for the latest “offense” (bad bluebooking, typos — you know, the REALLY bad stuff) I’d step in and try to shield him. Of course that only meant that I’d get my own talking-to after his. After I told my therapist all of this, especially the part about how I knew I was getting smacked, I just didn’t know when or for what, she said “that’s the definition of abuse, you know.” Ha! It’s true — you’re never too smart or too independent to get yourself into an abusive relationship. I’ve been out for over a year and I still cringe when my current boss (a non-lawyer) asks to speak to me. I have to remind myself that she’s probably calling me to, duh, ask for advice as her lawyer! It’s very encouraging to hear that I’m not the only big firm associate who spent her whole five years at the firm getting yelled at on a regular basis. (And, David, I totally get the being “on” thing. I used to say that I felt like I had to be at 110% every second and I really just needed some time where 80 – 90% would be okay.)
Just found your site from ATL. Nice job with all of the above, you truly turned lemons to lemonade, and now your giving it out for free. Inspiring. I’ve been through all kinds of horrors myself, but I’m still here and generally happy. Sure the scars are there..but I try to use the experience to something good for others feeling the same stuff, not like you, but in a smaller way. It’s self-therapy for me. lol
don’t yell at me for the typo 🙂
I never yell at anyone for anything. I’m a therapist. My job is to relieve anxiety – not to cause it. No one ever has to apologize for anything they say in my office – or on this site. I welcome the dialogue.
I’ll go against the grain somewhat. BIGLAW can provide a trial-by-fire experience in terms of learning how to practice law. This applies even to the lowly task of document review. However, there comes a time when you must stand up for yourself and push back against abusive partners – even if it costs you your job. The problem is that many associates take on the role of an abused spouse/child. The front door might only be a few steps away, but they don’t have the courage to walk through it to freedom.
Yes, I know this sounds a bit dramatic for someone who earns $160k+ a year, but constant abuse combined with golden handcuffs can hold down even the strongest sometimes….
I find it horribly offensive and inaccurate to suggest that the practice of law, in and of itself, can lead to PTSD. While law is a stressful profession, PTSD is a serious condition that should not be minimized. To compare the stress of being a lawyer to that of someone who has been in war or who has been physically or sexually abused is absurd.
I have no intent to minimize anyone’s trauma. I’m simply observing PTSD symptoms from lawyers at big firms, and further noting that there are trauma-inducing aspects to the way these places are run. How does that minimize the trauma of a soldier or a rape survivor? Please keep in mind that I have worked with survivors of rape, and that there are many cultures in which soldiers were mocked as “weak” and “crazy” because of their PTSD. Other soldiers, who experienced the same conditions, didn’t have the same reactions, and so thought less of the soldiers who did. I’m sorry if I horribly offended you, but I don’t see any inaccuracies in my column and I stand by it.
“but I don’t see any inaccuracies in my column and I stand by it.”
Good for you. More people need to call firms on their bullshit.
And frankly, fewer people need to play the “I killed ten Japs with my can opener, so you cannot bitch to me about [fill in blank]” card.
I humbly agree. Thanks.
Well, I have worked in Biglaw and I was raped (during the time I was working at Biglaw–I never sought therapy or any other kind of treatment for fear of getting in trouble for taking the hour a week off). Biglaw was worse, and THAT is what I have nightmares about to this day. YMMV.
Good article. If one has experienced a traumatic event in life (e.g., childhood sexual abuse, parent’s unexpected departure, parent’s alcoholic rages, a horrible hospitalization experience, etc.), the PTSD symptoms flood back when the fight or flight instinct gets activated. It’s all about the feeling of being trapped, with no power or control over one’s life. Believing that one is a capable, competent adult, deserving of respect, requires constant repitition of these thoughts, even when they don’t ring true. Choose to take the high road, don’t burn bridges, and either stay in the muck with your heart and head above the dreck or escape to a more suitable workplace.
One thing I’ve distilled over the years is that the job of an attorney involves a lot of “worryshifting” – and by that I mean that the client is paying the attorney to shift some (or all) of its worrying to the attorney. The practice of law is sweating all of the details so that the client doesn’t have to. In ideal times (few and far between these days), you get at least some kind of opportunity to address the points you see – but in these more competitive, hectic days, it’s often turning docs 7 days a week and jumping on calls at all hours to meet a client’s demands. Over the years the worryshifting can have a significant cumulative effect – especially if your personality type is not one that allows you to compartmentalize easily. I think the trend is towards more stress as the legal market continues to consolidate, firms continue to fail and the objective is volume and revenue at all costs.
Sometimes you’re working with good clients who you hope have a vested interest in the company – rather than just wanting to “get it done” with minimal effort on their part – but if you’ve been practicing a while you’ve also dealt with those clients who drive you up a wall (e.g., “just take a quick look – don’t spend more than an hour – but I want to be fully protected…..”). Many of these clients treat lawyers like an insurance company – and get them involved at the absolute last minute just so that they can say that something was legally reviewed in case something goes wrong. Can you imagine trying this in other industries (e.g., hey, take a half-hour look at my financial statements and tell me that I’m 100% in compliance with applicable standards, or hey – I have chest pain but just take a 10 minute look – I know you doctors are expensive)? Some clients will stress for months over the purchase of a car, house or the booking of a 1 week vacation – and pore over all of the little details and terms and conditions – but when it comes to a material business transaction they don’t feel the need to even look at the documents. Then, when the lawyer probes and prods to try to divine the business deal that was reached (or purportedly reached), it’s “you’re slowing things down” and “making things too complicated”.
I thought I’d chime in with this because a lot of the previous posts seem to focus on firm life and the often bizarre-o world of legal personalities – but in my book you can’t forget the nature of the practice itself or the clients who you are dealing with. There are good times and bad times and you hope the good outweigh the bad. Cherish the good clients and the good colleagues. There are too few of them these days!!
P.S. “worryshifting” is a registered trademark in Madagascar and the royalty for using it is 3 lemurs per use.
Do you even know the criteria for PTSD? If so, how can you claim that simply working in a law firm can cause PTSD?
From the DSM-IV-TR Criteria for PTSD:
A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:
1. the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.
2. the person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.
Did you even read my article? Did you notice that I was talking about PTSD Symptoms, not the DSM definition of PTSD? I have a DSM-IV-TR here on my desk, so yes, I am aware of that definition.
You say that “Some law firm environments are so punishing and toxic that they produce trauma and trigger PTSD symptoms.”
That is not just talking about PTSD symptoms; that is saying that law firm environments can cause the type of trauma that leads to PTSD. That isn’t true unless people die or nearly die horrifically on a regular basis in biglaw offices.
Is the following an accurate statement of how you diagnose?
A lawyer is referred to you because his hygiene and work product has plummeted over the past six months. Moreover, in the last month, the lawyer has displayed an inappropriate affect; for instance, while telling a client that they’d lost their appeal, the lawyer was smiling broadly and giggling. In another instance, the lawyer kept giggling while deposing a widow in a wrongful death case. Upon talking to the lawyer, you find that he does not have any hallucinations or delusions, displays a range of affects, and speaks coherently. The lawyer is not suffering from any mood disorder, nor does he have any substance abuse problems that could cause his problems.
You diagnose the lawyer as having schizophrenic symptoms. After all, he has an inappropriate affect that has lasted for a month (part of criterion A), and he has suffered a significant impairment in the major life areas of work and self-care that have lasted six months (criterion B).
I’m not sure what you’re on about here. I don’t use the DSM – I don’t particularly find it useful in treating high-functioning neurotics, which is who I treat in my practice. I keep a DSM around, but I don’t behave as though the DSM, which is re-written every few years, were a piece of law to be studied and obeyed and interpreted strictly. The DSM has been VERY wrong before, and it will be VERY wrong again. You seem to be missing the point of my article, which is that big law firms traumatize the lawyers who work there, resulting in PTSD symptoms. That’s scary – and something should be done about it. At very least, let’s talk about the situation. You’re making me anxious with these angry attacks on my abilities as a therapist. No, I don’t obey the DSM above all else. Do you have a problem with that?
Dear 1L is hell: don’t you have a case to be irac-ing or something? go troll elsewhere.
PT-Excellent article, as always.
so does solo practice. I taught myself to practice law, never having worked for any attorneys after passing the bar. And have been trying to get out, for years….
Finally taking action, but I afraid that it might be too late. Memory loss, hearing loss, cognitive issues, won’t go to trial any more. Hair falling out before the last trial setting. At 55 I should not be falling apart, but I am.
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I did the BigLaw (southeastern) route for 20 years, partnership, major corporate clients, successful M&A practice, etc., but the grind and the competition and the scarcity of rewards other than financial finally caused me to leave. Ten years later, working in a small firm, I find the practice of law can provide rewards as a counselor and advisor when one is answerable to oneself and one’s clients, rather than the partners and the Firm. And, after several years of therapy related to my growing up in a dysfunctional household, I have also recognized the rampant dysfunctionality of large law firms–the narcissism, passive aggression, overt aggression, poor communication, substance dependence or abuse, emotional abuse to staff and associates, etc. etc. Yes, that experience can trigger PTSD symptoms. I have never been back in my former offices, but on occassion, when entering the premises of a BigLaw for a meeting, I feel a wave of generalized anxiety and tension that relates directly to the years of stress–even at this far remove. Tsk Tsk to the person taking you to task for having the nerve to mention DSM–you mentioned the symptoms, not the diagnosis–and as one who has had the symptoms, I think you are spot on. And cheers to you for having made the break as well.
So true. At my current “mid major” firm, I work for a partner that I once referred to as the postor boy for DSM-IV (I won’t get into his myriad of issues, but he is a case study for a whole host of neurotic and psychotic behavior).
His thing is to take a memo, declare it “incomprehensible,” add snide comments if there is typo or nit (and there will always be one or two), and give it back to me, usually with only some stylistic comments. Importantly, at no time was the content ever called into question.
Often, the work is follow-on work from a prior phase of a project, with its own memo. But this partner will change terms, descriptions, and even facts that were taken from the first memo and should be valid and vetted for the second.
At first, I thought this was a personal attack. Did I tick him off? Is he trying to drive me away? But then I noticed also that he only does this with billable work, and I was reminded of a conversation with two partners (him and another) where their first concern was that I wasn’t “billing enough.” So they suggested I should take more time with my writing, to “polish” it more. Still, over the last six months, suddenly nothing I write is worthy. Except if it is a nonbillable matter. Then, the comments are minimal.
It soon dawned on me that this was a pretty underhanded way to get more billable hours out of a project, and to do so in a way that covers their behind—by throwing me under the bus, especially if a client complains. When I started looking critically at what he wanted changed in each memo, especially if there was a prior memo, it was obvious that this was just busywork to run up the bills.
At least one client figured out this practice, and also figured out that I wasn’t the one doing this to them. The client even suggested that I should look them up if I leave here. Nice compliment. I plan to do just that.
Reading back – great post (I am numb – after 10 years some part of myself finally died and I can handle law better) – but this comment is so true for me. I’m starting to see more and more bill padding schemes, and direct orders to add time. Nice. Classy. If I’m ever a client of a firm I am going to be THE client from hell.
I left a biglaw firm in 2008, after 10 years and making junior partner. I have been practicing at a small firm since then. I have to say that my mindset is very much different now. However, I still have nightmares and night sweats whenever the stress level is high at this job. The nightmares are always related to my old firm. Usually involving a set of senior partners. I can’t get those images out of my mind. It was nothing but abusive. I look back at situations there now and my heart races. I agree with the earlier post that whenever I go to a function at biglaw, I have what I would call a mild panic attack. I start sweating, my heart races, I get a headache and my stomach begins to cramp. Thank God I no longer have to put up with that every day. You are so right about this. I have never read something so on point on the web. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not the only one who feels this way, and I’m not weak for feeling this way!
It’s too true. Law is stressful with a capital S. My personal antidote is the 15 mile run. If the world does not improve after a long run, then (a) you are truly miserable, or (b) you pulled a hamstring. In which case (a) applies.
Ok, I wanted to say more. A number of years ago, after being a partner in a 100-lawyer firm in Chicago, I moved to LA to be a writer. (I know, I know.) I actually had some success, though the writers’ strike messed things up for me. Still, I’d done some interesting things, and I’d become an actor, sort of by accident.
What I couldn’t get over was how supportive people were on movie sets. I always arrived with my guard up, and people were always welcoming and excited to work, etc. I honestly thought it was a put on the first several times. I never got over the suspicion, though.
In addition to PTSD, I think many lawyers suffer from compassion fatigue, especially those in non-profit legal services (me) and certain areas of the law, e.g., family law. Many lawyers go into law because they truly care about justice and want to make a difference. They are empathetic and when the client hurts, the attorney feels the hurt, too. This empathy is not noble; it is inherently destructive. It leads to workaholism, emotional instability, drug and alcohol abuse, and serious medical conditions.
Will, this was a wonderful article and affirmed my choice not to pursue law school after college, despite my interest in the law and test scores which indicated that I would be successful. I enjoy a sense of balance between my work life and home life, and felt I’d give that up with a career in law. I did, however, spend 14 years in court administration, so I worked with lawyers and came to understand their thought processes very well.
My question for you is, what is the alternative to this approach within a competitive law firm? In some ways, I think there is something of a hazing mentality as seen in fraternities or military – “I survived it and so can you if you want to get to where I am” – which might make it hard to turn around. Still, there has to be accountability for errors when the stakes are extraordinarily high. Can law firms successfully teach this in a more healthy way, to truly mentor associates without fear?
I want to say something about hazing in the military and fraternities–well, the military, I’m a woman.
I went through that. Not fun. Total confidence killer. But, after a while, you realized it was all a game, you learned the rules, and could play along and even have fun/feel proud of yourself in the context of the game. And after a longer while, when I left the environment, which was toxic, I realized that a lot of people I thought disliked/judged me as being somehow inferior really did nothing of the sort–they were so miserable themselves that they just couldn’t relate to anyone, and when I met them outside of the military hazing context, they were so warm and friendly and confident it made me realize I had only known a shadow of them before.
But the constant sleep deprivation and stress caused by a recent case was way worse then that. You know those people who send out those crazy 3 a.m. emails? I suddenly started realizing why they did that after about the second straight month of sleep deprivation, because I wanted to do it myself. I would have full-blown freakouts at the office where I was so paralyzed by everything I had to do that I wouldn’t get anything done for an hour or two (which means you don’t bill which means you stay up later, which is really a bitch when you are sleep deprived.) I developed hives and severe chest pains. (There were also problems in my personal life at the time, but really, most of the trauma was probably work-related, based on my observations of team members who did not have stressful personal issues going on at the time.) I had no idea I could be pushed that close to the end, and I had gone through some pretty intense military training (no deployments, no live fire drills, but a lot of training and hazing.)
All that said, I think the biggest thing is that even when the work environment is otherwise low on toxicity–i.e., I have a boss who gets stressed, and we feel it when that happens, but I don’t know anyone who picks on things simply to be mean/run up billable hours–is that they need to take responsibility for letting there people get enough rest and have a little bit of control over their schedules. Because if you don’t have rest or control, things start to get pretty stressful really fast. Even in the warped military environment I was in, I always got some sleep and had some control, and when we were sleep deprived, we were not expected to engage in any intellectual heavy lifting.
You’ve nailed it. I’m sending this to my therapist!
Much respect…
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I retired from BigLaw in December 2018, after 37 years of practice. I went in eyes wide open in 1983, and suffered, but I made the choice to stay (a daily choice, trust me) to support my sons and to pay for their college educations. When the last one graduated, I left and expected a blissful retirement.
But with time on my hands and less stress and deadlines, PTSD crept in. I started having flashbacks, nighmares, night sweats, and all sorts of inner child reactions to just about everything. It’s been a year and a half of inner child work and retraining myself to live in the “real world,” with a different sense of time, less need for control (even the pandemic is less traumatizing than working in BigLaw), more ability to try new things and make mistakes. I’m just starting to feel safer and somewhat at home in my life.
I feel like I’m relearning how to live, “outside,” at age 60, and I have experienced a lot of grief about all the lost years. And just last night I found your site and your articles about PTSD from working in law firm culture.
This is real; I don’t know if I will ever be free of triggers from 37 years of working in a Gaslighting environment, but I’m glad to be out. I commend you for your important work, and encourage everyone who knows in her/his/their gut that this is not the way they want to live, to move on if you can. It is a highly toxic environment and culture, one I expected to see change, but never did.