My patient was telling me about his new job.
On the face of things, there was nothing to complain about. He’d hated his old firm — a Biglaw institution that he called “soulless.” The new place, a New York City-based securities boutique, was different. The people were smart – practically cosmopolitan by comparison. And for the first time, he wasn’t being treated like a junior. They respected his judgment – no one was correcting his work.
I offered congratulations.
He looked thoughtful, and I asked what was wrong.
“This is going to sound crazy.”
“Crazy is my business. Try me.”
“I didn’t want to get this job. I was hoping the old place would fire me.”
“Okay. Why?”
“I wanted to be free.”
He’d gone so far in pursuit of his secret fantasy of getting fired that he’d planned a trip to India and investigated moving to Oregon, where an old friend lives. He had money saved up, and was ready to apply for unemployment and sell his apartment. It was all worked out. He was going to escape – to chase a dream of living near the mountains and surrounding himself with laid-back, creative people.
Now – by a stroke of luck – he was sitting in another big city law firm, earning a large salary, continuing with his career.
He had nothing to complain about – but he was crushed.
The problem was simple. He was going nowhere – or, at least, nowhere he wanted to be.
This guy could stick around at this firm for twenty years and end up a senior securities attorney – maybe even a partner. He’d be wealthy. He’d attend bar association thingamabobs and sit on panels. He’d have his own clients and bring in business. That was where he was headed if he stayed on his current track, passively charting the course of least resistance.
But he didn’t want any of that. He didn’t like securities law. He didn’t really like law, period. He just fell into it because he needed something to do and stayed for the money.
Now he sat in my office, crying – talking about what might have been.
“My friend owns a restaurant, in Oregon, on an old wharf. They specialize in organic, locally-grown food. I was going to move to Oregon and manage the place for him. I wouldn’t earn much, but my friend says I have the personality and the talent to run a restaurant. And I love Oregon – living near the forest and the sea.”
I asked him what was stopping him from quitting right now to pursue his dream.
“I’d never have the balls. I couldn’t give up this money.”
“Not even for your dream?”
He shook his head. That was that. It was decided.
Stasis is a trap between anger and fear. Anger that you aren’t living the life you want. Fear that if you let go, you’ll lose everything.
I’m sure you have your own problems. You might not feel sorry for a guy earning over $200k at a top firm. Fair enough. But whatever this guy was earning, his misery was genuine, and I see people like him all the time, trapped in a dead end because they cling to stability instead of chasing a dream.
Stability is a pointless goal. It’s a myth. There is no stability in this world. The child in you longs for stability because children are helpless, vulnerable creatures. But you’re not a child anymore, you’re an adult. You don’t need to spend your entire life worrying about your retirement savings. People manage, somehow. They just do. If you’re doing something you love, you’ll do fine. You’re going to die anyway, rich or poor.
The real point of living – adult living – is to chase a dream. That’s how humans work. You need to chase something you truly desire, or you’ll never feel fulfilled.
If your dream is making it to the top at the legal profession, and that’s the path you’re on, good for you.
But if you’re only in this field because of the money, or because you’re too scared to follow your dreams – it might be time to break the stasis, overcome your fear, and try something new.
Life is a brief opportunity for joy. It’s about chasing a dream, and it should be exciting and risky and surprising. Somewhere off in the distance, there’s a place you want to be – a mountaintop you want to climb. You have a short time in which to race off and see if you can get there.
Go ahead. Break free and chase your dream.
Otherwise you’re going nowhere – at least, nowhere you want to be.
[This piece is part of a series of columns created by The People’s Therapist in cooperation with AboveTheLaw.com. My thanks to ATL for their help with the creation of this series.]
If you enjoy these columns, please check out The People’s Therapist’s new book.
I was so hoping for a different ending.
It’s hard to watch someone hold on to a well-paid, high-status job that doesn’t suit them because they believe that “this is how it is.”
I’m reminded of a friend who was training in a branch of psychotherapy that required years of expensive study. The longer she stayed in her program, the more rigidly she believed that hers was the “Cadillac” of therapies, and that other branches were not “real” psychotherapy.
In honest moments, she acknowledged that if she didn’t believe this, she might find the degree of energy, inconvenience, and money her program required wasn’t worth it.
I ran into her some years later. She was not practicing that form of therapy, and had come to conclude that while her training was helpful, it wasn’t the Cadillac she’d formerly believed.
She seemed bitter. I hope she came to see how much her experience could deepen her empathy, and indirectly end up making her a better therapist.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Yeah – I don’t think there is a “Cadillac” of therapies, either. It’s dangerous to grow too proud in this profession. Best to acknowledge one’s limitations and the ambitious nature of the work, and just do the best you can to listen, and understand, and try to help.
How long should one wait before one decides to scrap everything and start chasing the dream? I’m a first-year associate at a mid-sized law firm. My plan from the getgo was to work for 10-15 years or so, invest smartly so as to create a financial cushion, and then pursue my passion: teaching children. I’ve been working as a lawyer for almost a year now and am having second thoughts about this plan. I look at what more senior associates and partners do on a day-to-day basis and do not want to spend my life living like they do. I’m considering starting over, but with my 6-figure law school debt and steady paycheck, it’s hard to justify. At what point should I consider making the switch? Should I give this job some more time?
It depends on the person. You’ll know when you’ve had enough. It sounds like you aren’t quite there yet – and the paycheck might be crucial for paying down loans right now. But do some dreaming, and think about what excites you – where you really want to be. It takes time – this is a process.
This is so inspiring until I start trying to think of how to implement something like this. At least your client had a specific dream, and, it sounds like, no family.
I’m facing a career transition (not unwelcome but also not entirely voluntary) from Biglaw to…what? I don’t know. I have some ideas, but it’s not like I can conjure my dream job out of thin air. I’m limited by the market and by my skills and experience. I have two small children and a husband who has been out of work since last fall (he will be working again starting in August for less than half my current salary). I do not have the experience, or in some cases, the talent, to earn an actual living out of anything that I truly enjoy.
So how do you implement the whole “follow your dream” idealism? When you have people depending on you to stay stable and keep a roof over their heads and food in their mouths? When you’re not even sure what that dream might look like?
Look, there are practical considerations – like food on the table, and rent. But there’s no harm in dreaming, searching your soul for what you really love, and trying to weave it into your future. That mountaintop might seem like it’s miles away – but if it’s there, you have someplace you’re going where you want to be, and that’s worth a lot.
After reading this post, I feel a sense of hope but in another breath also a sense of confusion.
I recently graduated from law school at FSU and am now studying for the FL bar (going over evidence as we speak). During my time in law school, not one subject infused a spark of passion. Though, I did fairly well and graduated with honors. But throughout all this time I am not even sure that I want to be an attorney (although I do understand that law school and practicing law are two different worlds). And as I read your posts about BigLaw and the legal field in general, it pushes me even further away from the prospective practice of law. My passion is not law and most likely will never be. I love athletics, collegiate in particular, and have a vision that maybe a compliance director at a university may just be the position where I could utilize my law degree and at the same time do something I love. Maybe someday climbing the ladder to an athletic director.
But here is where your post leaves me hanging and in a bit of confusion…How do I know that law isn’t the right spot for me when I haven’t even given it a shot? I know where my passion lies, but I also know that this law degree has put me in huge amounts of debts. (not fortunate to have the securities job paying the 200K)
A common theme in your posts is acting “like an adult,” and following your “dreams.” While I truly agree and can give you a dozen reasons why I should forego law, at the same time, would I truly be acting like an adult if I automatically put off being an attorney and instead went to follow some dream job I’m not completly sure exists? Would that even be responsible in the situation just described with lots of debt and uncertainty in the job market?
Sorry for rambling. I love the helpful insights in your posts and this one in particular just seemed to speak to me. But at the same time made me somewhat lost in my own situation. Thanks!
I see no problem with checking out law, and seeing if it is right for you, and you might have to work for a few years as a lawyer anyway, to pay down your debt. But it sounds like you have your eye on a career in athletics. It might take time to find a path – but keep your eyes on that mountaintop, and you’ll get there.
I was also hoping for a different ending. I interviewed at many law firms, and I am so grateful that they realized I was not a good fit. Instead, I was able to clerk for a superior court judge, then a court of appeals judge, and my next step is a Fulbright studying law in New Zealand. When those rejections originally came, I was devastated, but secretly happy (as your client would have been had he been fired). I only have the opportunities I have because I did not get “stuck.” I have no idea where the money will come, and my loans are well over six figures, but who cares? Thank you for reminding all of us that the better path is the one from the heart.
I tend to agree with the view that this individual shouldn’t stay in his job. But as to this:
“Stability is a pointless goal. It’s a myth. There is no stability in this world. The child in you longs for stability because children are helpless, vulnerable creatures. But you’re not a child anymore, you’re an adult. You don’t need to spend your entire life worrying about your retirement savings. People manage, somehow. They just do. If you’re doing something you love, you’ll do fine. You’re going to die anyway, rich or poor.”
It’s dangerously simplistic. Nothing is stable, true, but there are degrees of stability; there are degrees of ease in managing and degrees of suffering that go along with that. When you die, and how you live until you get to that point, matters, and a salary may be part of it — more for some than for others.
One could just as easily say that there is more than one dream that each person has, and that it’s childish and immature to believe that each of us has but one preference. Someone may dream of being wealthy and dream of running a restaurant . . . and dream of living in Oregon. You would have them chase which, exactly? And why?
Yeah, well, what if you have a wife and kids to support? Then following your dreams would be unethical.
It’s about striking a balance. And no – you don’t always reach that mountaintop overnight. But you can do what you have to while plotting a new future. The wife and kids want you to be happy, too, right?
Thank you for writing this. I actually find myself in the exact same position right now. My job is stable, but there is some talk of staff cuts and I’m thinking that it would be great for someone else to make a choice for me.
I got my current job because I was thinking about going to law school and wanted to see what the field was like. Now that I know I don’t want to practice law or go to law school, my job isn’t really anything more than stability and a paycheck and health insurance.
Perhaps I’ll make my leap soon. Thank you.
I’ve never commented before on something like this, but I feel like I have to here, this is just such an irresponsible article.
It’s quite clear that you’ve never gone hungry or been on welfare. As a child, my parents would split a hamburger at McDonald’s so I could eat a whole one. Money does matter. Stability is something that is important, and real, and should be taken into account when weighing risks and benefits of following a dream or career path. Real adults do spend time worrying about retirement savings, health care, their children, and (hopefully) the national debt. Because if they didn’t, then we’d have a society full of people chasing dreams, and maybe that’s not good for society or for an individual. So before you toss aside someone’s need for stability, maybe you might want to get off your middle/upper class high horse and consider a few other perspectives besides your own.
PS I notice that you often try to belittle a perspective by placing saying that the “wrong” perspective is a child’s perspective and the “correct” (your) perspective is an adult choice/decision/way to live. It’s not childish to have feelings or needs, such as a desire for stability.
I’m not advocating irresponsibility, or starvation. But I’m sure your parents had their eyes on some prize they were working towards, some goal that got them happy and excited. During the toughest times, it’s more important than ever not to regress into childish fears, but to go out there and pursue a dream. You might have to make sacrifices, and work a job you don’t like to pay debt, or bills – but you can plan for the future, keep your eyes on that mountaintop.
How true not just for white collars earning high pay but for support staff like me who always found the law firm environment to be so stressful. However, at 58 with four to six years left depending on how much I can save, a real issue of chronic fatigue, and the reality that many companies have issues and nasty people, I feel staying will be the least stressful choice. Any optimistic words for that decision or not?
Kathleen – It sounds like you’re hanging in there for a dream that will arrive with retirement. That sounds okay to me. What do you want to do after those 4 to 6 years? Does that dream get you excited and looking forward to the future?
I am envious of the attorney you describe in many ways, and perhaps not for the reasons one might initially expect. The attorney in question knows, or thinks he knows, what he wants to do; he knows what would make him happy. The stasis trap that you describe in this situation IS pointless (not that its pointlessness detracts from its power).
I suspect, though, that many attorneys are struggling with a different kind of stasis trap. Many have ended up at a place where they wake up each day knowing that they are not happy or fulfilled doing what they are doing. But, just as important, they have no idea what sort of activity or life direction would make them happy, and know idea how to acquire that information. Therefore, they keep doing what they are doing in the hope that something might give them a clue as to what direction to take in life.
I also suspect you would suggest that such people are not truly taking charge of their own lives, but beyond that, what sort of specific suggestions do you offer your clients that struggle with this stasis trap?
Yeah, I’d love to see a response to this point. That’s exactly the situation me and a couple friends are 5 years after graduating law school. We all think we’d be willing to “sacrifice” the legal career to pursue a dream, but none of us have any idea of how to figure out what the dream would be.
That’s a big one. I’ll be tackling it in future columns.
I think a related point here on which it would be helpful to hear your thoughts relates to the fear expressed below that even if one did know what to do in terms of “dream” job that if one took the plunge and left a comfortable (monetarily at least) career in big law to follow that dream, that person might end up discovering that his/her dream career was as soul-sucking and full of drudgery as was big law and that he/she might have been better off in big law (or some other hated career) all along. A sort of, the grass is always greener/what if I’m wrong fear. Thanks.
One could make an equally convincing assertion that chasing one’s dreams is the childish notion while contingency planning for the future is the adult thing to do. Different strokes for different folks. In Asian cultures one’s life goal revolves around providing stability, well-being and prosperity for your parents, children and self.
This emphasis on pursuing one’s wildest dreams and goals seems to have been concocted by the American middle class WASPS.
You sound like my Chinese husband! Well, perhaps I am being deliberatively provocative in my stance, but I think there is some truth in it. Children are frightened and helpless. Adults have to plan – but they also need to enjoy life. It passes by all too quickly.
Really enjoyed this. Currently a midlevel at BigLaw, tired beyond belief, sick of the stress, the yelling, the disorganization and the greed. I’ve been job hunting for over a year at various “dreams” of mine — applied to a few clerkships, submitted resumes for other lit positions, but have been waiting for a long time for anything to come through. Current dream is to find some type of position that involves a bit of travel, some litigating, some conflict resolution and foreign language development. But still the waiting continues. How do you deal with the waiting while continuing to slog through every day at Big Law?
I’m a sixth year corporate attorney in the middle of career transition (which is, to quote the commentator above, “not unwelcome but also not entirely voluntary”) and I feel very lucky that I do have a sense of direction in terms of what to do next. When I realized that I didn’t like practicing law, I forced myself to start taking courses in different subjects, first to feel engaged and second to try to figure out a different path. I took baking courses, french business language courses and higher education administration courses, just to name a few, and one of those subjects really clicked for me. I’m now focused on making a transition into a new industry but started laying the foundation several years ago by finding a passion and learning as much about the area as I could while practicing law. It also gave me an incentive to save my money while practicing so that I could afford to make a transition.
I did this while working at a top 5 firm in NYC and often had to miss my classes because of work but I make it a priority to try to get there. The other thing that I did was use my research and communication skills, which lawyers are trained to have, to research new industries and new pathways and to communicate and network with people in the industry that I am focused on. I attend industry events regularly and try to find out as much as I can about the industry. There are still many days that I’m petrified about the change but it’s a leap of faith that I have to take. This obviously is not the only way to follow your dreams but it definitely made me feel less helpless during my time working at a law firm.
[…] Go Climb a Mountain My patient was telling me about his new job. On the face of things, there was nothing to complain about. He’d […] […]
Hey – TPT made the WordPress top posts of the day yet again! Thanks for reading, everyone. I appreciate your feedback and your support.
thank you TPT. i have loved many of your posts, but felt compelled to comment on this one. until 8 months ago, i was one of the miserable, secretly praying to be laid off so that i could start to pursue my dreams. unfortunately (for me and my mental state) i survived the layoffs, but was able to give notice a few months later. i’m still figuring out my plan, but i’m strangely at peace with (for once) not having a plan and learning to live on a substantially smaller budget. I guess my point is this — if you’ve made it through law school/law firm life, you’re very likely a determined and relatively intelligent person, and once you commit to follow your dreams (if it’s not the law firm life), the rest WILL follow.
I graduated from law school. In 2003, I was a partner in a 100 lawyer firm in Chicago. I had, however, taken the California bar in 2001, because I knew I was going to leave. I moved to LA to be a TV and movie writer. I did contract work while I wrote (and became an actor by accident). I found out that I’m not a TV or movie writer. Those are very specific skills, and I don’t have them, not enough anyway to make a living at it (if anything I’m a playwright).
I’m practicing law again full time. Had a couple of false starts, but I’m at a firm I like, where they don’t hold my past against me. The whole thing probably cost me between 500k and a million bucks.
I keep trying to decide if it’s better having given it a shot or to be sitting on a pile of money and regrets. It varies by the day. I can say, however, that having given it a shot, the practice is easier to deal with, and I appreciate the regular paycheck and the health insurance.
I’m still in LA.
Meant to say I graduated in 1991.
I certainly agree that everyone — both lawyers anf nonlawyers – should peridically elvaluate their career goals. If they want to continue to practice law, but believe their current firm/legal practice ia not the right place, they should do research to try and find a better fit.
nevertheless wonder if tey to have feelingnothing to do with the law, they need to really make sure they are not just changing careers based on a misperceived understanding of their workload. In other words, before you dump the golden handcuffs, think about what you like/dislike about your current
My wonderful husband put me through law school and my dream was to make enough so he could stop working and do what he wanted to do (fish). He actually was able to stop working for 2 years and though he eventually went back part-time, I knew he didn’t really worry so long as I had a Biglaw job.
He died 10 months ago (today) and I had the feeling that you wrote about in a column a few months ago, that law firms are like high school and you never know when you’re going to land in the principal’s office for no reason. I was tired of having weathered so many personal storms in my life by myself and then being treated like a 5 year old at a law firm by someone who would probably cower under the covers and never come out if he or she had to deal with everything I had to deal with.
In the end I could barely hide my disdain for partners with an agenda and some of the illogical nonsense that was put to me every day and it was time to walk away from practice. Not that all partners are like this…there are some really great ones…but I kept getting the short straw.
Since my husband’s death I work more with people using my therapy background, speaking, teaching, blogging and writing about real people and relationship breakups and how to grieve a loss. I still am in the legal world but no longer an associate. I work at a job where you need to be a lawyer to do it but I have a discrete work description and set hours. And I’m very grateful for that. It was a “lifestyle” change. I took an enormous pay cut but I’m actually at the point in my life where if I lose it all, so what? I can’t sell my soul another day to people who don’t value it anyway.
I have learned that life is short and the completely unexpected happens. I used to make fun of people who said, “Oh my job doesn’t fulfill me.” because I would think, “It’s a job…buck up and do it.” And I still feel like it doesn’t have to be jump-up-and-down-with-happiness fulfilling but it shouldn’t be soul-robbing either. And as an associate, I felt robbed of my soul, my dignity and my self-respect. Or I traded all that for a fat paycheck.
Like adrock said, I was very clear on all this when I walked away. If you’re not, you’re going to flail about only without a paycheck so there will be more flailng. Plan B doesn’t have to cover the next 5 years but it does have to be a plan and one you can commit to.
I wish the guy had gone to the west coast…but he didn’t. But maybe this is just a step along the way. Good luck to him no matter what he does.
Great post, I had a similar experience.
I was a summer at a mid-sized firm, received an offer and almost out of inertia I accepted their offer to start working there after law school. Almost immediately I realized my mistake. I hated practicing corporate law, not because it was stealing my soul- but because it was numbingly boring to me.
When the economy tanked I was laid off, and rather than take another job I started my own business helping firms with marketing strategy and social media.
It was the best decision I ever made, and although I don’t have complete certainty about where this path leads say 5 years from now, I am loving what I do and have had the chance to travel all over the country speaking including spending an entire month with my family in Australia speaking to lawyers.
It wasn’t easy to break away, but I am so much happier now than I was as a full time attorney.
Thanks for the story, I hope your client gets there eventually. Life is too short to do otherwise.
What a bunch of whining. All this stuff about personal happiness or fulfillment and chasing ‘dreams’ is so 1960s. Of course life is short, but you can draw from that the conclusion it will all be over soon and it won’t matter anyway, as much as a spur to figure out the color of your parachute. Suffering is part of life. Keep a stiff upper lip and do your duty. Carry on.
Found your blog via AboveTheLaw. Been ploughing through its archives and comment strings since July 2011. I enjoy your humor as you put an entertaining spin on therapeutic insights.
“Go Climb a Mountain” struck me as an article that should be highlighted as “a must see”. So many of the comments and your responses are illuminating. Several shared their experiences. One tells the process used to find another field and job that suits him/her better. Others tell what it’s like after leaving biglaw. Some taking exception are useful for thoughtful examination.
I enjoy or appreciate nearly all ThePeoplesTherapist articles. While biglaw problems are often extreme, the issues will be encountered eventually by anyone. The overload and avalanche of much of biglaw make obvious the toll on quality of life, dignity and health that an unprofessional, discard personal boundaries in the money chase, work environment exacts on people. And sleep deprivation while expected even honored by so much of American society as being tough, dedicated to getting the job done undermines job performance and mental-physical health. Biglaw and similar grossly exploitive work systems need to be reined in or redesigned.
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