A therapist colleague recently agreed with me that the funniest things we’d ever heard were told to us by our clients. Summer break (and the week of the bar exam) seems like an appropriate time for a laugh. So…without further ado…here are some of my clients’ funniest utterances from the past few years:
- (An Arab client) “Don’t worry, Will – my name is Saif (pronounced “safe”), so all the sex I have is ‘Saif sex!'”
- “My mother did everything around the house. If my father asked her to do an extra chore she’d say ‘fine, and I’ll stick a broom up my ass so I can sweep the kitchen floor at the same time!'”
- “I prefer the term ‘MoHo’ – Fag Hag is so last year.”
- Diet coke and vodka. It’s a dieter’s drink. Just order a “skinny black bitch.”
- “My best friend and I played a game called “MFK” – Marry, Fuck or Kill. You pick three random people and decide which you’d marry, fuck and kill. But that got boring. The new variation is ‘Oral, Vaginal or Anal.'”
- “My husband’s an investment banker and works in Abu Dhabi half the year. I’m a ‘gulf widow’.”
- (A gay man, about his ex) “I tried to detard him. That’s when you un-tard a retard. Needless to say, I failed.”
- “I’m a ShoMo – a big Broadway musical queen.”
- (An obstetrician) “Dr. Jones, at your cervix. Dilated to meet you!”
- “I thought my boyfriend was a guido, going to Atlantic City to party with his yo-bro’s. It turned out he was a ‘mo. Those yo-bro’s were his mo-bro’s.”
- “My boyfriend is kind of kinky. I call him a ‘BOB’. A ‘bend-over boyfriend.'”
- (A leather queen patiently correcting me): “The phrase ‘ass-less chaps’ is redundant, Will.”
- (On a Skype session with a client in Japan) “I feel like I’m having an earthquake.” “You mean, from the session?” “No, the house is shaking.” (Indeed, she’d been experiencing an earthquake during our call.)
- “When I was 11 years old, a bully beat me up and I refused to go to school the next day. My mother told me we were immigrants, and I had to be brave. She gave me a $10 bill and said, find a big kid and pay him to beat up the bully.”
- “He wasn’t really hot. He was “lawyer-hot” – as in, I was stuck at work and horny.”
“My friends have a party game – match the most unlikely Asian surname to a Western given name. My personal favorite is ‘Tyrone Ramachandran.'”- “So he came on her back while she was sleeping and stuck the sheet on it. That’s called ‘superman-ing the bitch.'”
- “He rolled his foreskin over my foreskin – that’s called ‘docking.'”
- Told by a woman with a particularly wicked sense of humor: “What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape.”
- “He tried to omelet me. That’s when he comes in my ear and folds it over.”
- Told by an attractive young blonde: “This cab driver in Rome asked me the time. He was about 70 years old, four feet tall and didn’t speak English. I shook my head. So he gestured like this (facing the palms of his hands over one another like two people in bed) and said ‘meesh-meesh?’ Now I say “meesh-meesh” instead of ‘have sex.’ (So, eventually, did the rest of her therapy group, after hearing that story.)
- “I’m Filipino. I don’t talk about sex. But we did stuff. That’s all I’ll say – we did stuff.” (…which is how “did stuff” became the official euphemism for sex in my other therapy group.)
- (Asian client) “Once you’ve had Asian – there’s no more Caucasian.”
- (Black client) “Once you’ve had white – you go white back to black.”
- Client in my HIV+ gay men’s group: “My thing is low-hangers. I love low-hangers.” (This brought the group to a stand-still.)
- “I went to a meeting of a nudist book club, but it was movie night.”
- “She DIH-n’t!” (Said by a gay Latin client.) “Yuh-huh she did!” (I was coached to say this precisely in sync with him.)
- (A Cameroonian client) “My mother’s family tried to bury my aunt on our property, so they could build their house there – but we chased them off. It is our land still.”
- (A drag queen) “A sidecar, in a wine glass, with three cherries. That’s a drag queen drink.”
- (A young woman experimenting with swinging and group sex.) “He ‘Houdini-ed’ her. That’s when you do a girl from behind, against a big window. Then you pull out, and your buddy takes over, while you run around the front of the window and wave at them.”
- “I suppose my boyfriend might have been more aware of my feelings if he weren’t FUCK-TARDED.”
- (A plus size woman making light of her predicament) How is a moped like a fat girl? They’re both fun to ride until your friends see you.
That’s enough for now. You get the idea. Enjoy your summer and good luck on the bar!
What is it about lawyers and vacations? Like the old saying about long-horn cattle and a Texas fence – they just don’t get along so good. It’s like a physical aversion.
This week’s question is from A.M.:
My patient was in a tizzy about a relationship:
I’m amazed at how quickly my patients begin to feel overwhelmed by relationships. That happens because they rush things – stare out at the distant horizon instead of staying in the moment and concentrating on today, the time you’re sharing right now with another person.
There’s no rush to get “established” in a relationship. A relationship never has to be anything other than a choice you’re making because you’re enjoying it – something you want to do, today, for yourself.
The People's Therapist 