“A” wrote in with the following question:
I wanted to know your thoughts on the imbalance in power relationships at law firms.
My boyfriend, J,works for a partner in a firm. They’ve worked together on and off for 5 years. The partner was an associate when J joined as a trainee. They’ve been ‘friends’ but the friendship is not balanced. There’s an increasing tendency for the personal and professional relationship to blend, and not in a good way.
The partner will abuse his ability to prevent certain social situations from happening by increasing J’s work load. If we don’t agree to socialize on the weekend with him and his wife then the partner can make life difficult as well. He has a very controlling and dominating nature, and will often send emails which are childish and aggressive to J if he doesn’t get his way.My question is … Is it ever appropriate to have a personal relationship with anyone who is in a position of power over you?
I find that it is not, and as a by stander in this merry-go round of their relationship with one another find that I am a helpless player who gets dragged in from time to time, but is unable to stand up and defend herself because, according to J, ‘he’s a partner and it’ll make work more complicated for me if we upset him.’
Also how to extract ourselves from this? J is in the process of applying for a new position elsewhere, but he still intimates that in the future he’ll want to continue being friends with this partner. Is this some kind of negative symbiotic relationship, whose negative side he cannot recognize because he’s been in it for so long?
And here’s my answer:
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The People's Therapist 
As the illustrious Robert Anton Wilson said in his eternal tome on power relations (Prometheus Rising), “Communication is only possible between equals.” And I quotate:
“Adequate communication flows freely between equals. Communication between non-equals is warped and distorted by second circuit domination and submission rituals perpetuating communication jams and a game without end.”
That was a terrific response! In my new job teaching ESL at a private adult academy in Korea, my fellow teachers (who are great people but not trained professional teachers, as I am), have been having a hard time understanding why I have such a strict boundary against “socializing” with my students. It does not mean that I am unfriendly with students or never do anything with them that could be construed as somewhat social. The students like me; they want to be kind to me, especially as a newcomer in Korea; and they like getting extra English practice. I have allowed groups of students, or occasionally even just one student, to take me out for coffee or lunch or a beer once in a while. For beer after class, my rules (unstated to them) are: groups only; interaction restricted to one hour. Korea is a heavy drinking culture, and I do not want to go down that road.
But when it comes to proposed weekend excursions, or home visits, or late-night drinking sessions, all of which have also been proposed, I become elusive. My fellow teachers do not; they partake of all those; they become personal friends (or so they think) with students; they enlist the help of students in tasks such as buying a car; most of them have dated or slept with students as well. I just don’t think it’s appropriate, professional, or even practical. Just because we are all adults at the school does not mean that the power is equal. I am their teacher; they are my students. The situation, therefore, is just as you describe the therapist/patient relationship; I am friendly as heck, I am completely supportive, I am totally there for them educationally. But I am not their true friend. The teacher/student relation has a beauty, dignity, and nobility that can only be muddied and spoiled by over-personalization.
So thank you for very clearly articulating the reasons why lowering boundaries and confusing roles are bad ideas.
[…] rank on you even when things aren’t strictly work related? Maybe something like this from The People’s Therapist: My boyfriend, J,works for a partner in a firm. They’ve worked together on and off for 5 […]