You pass through a stage when you’re about two years old – the famous “terrible twos.” It’s marked by stubborn refusals to obey orders, and sometimes downright tantrums. The infant is growing into a person. For the first time, he wants control over his own life.
It’s called personal autonomy. You go where you want to go, do what you want to do, and refuse to do what you don’t want to do. A crucial phase of human psychological development, it marks the inception of an independent identity, a sense of purpose – and a sense of self.
This week I worked with a young second year from a big firm. She related a hellish story of law firm life.
This past Saturday morning she was at the airport in line with a boarding pass, heading to her best friend’s wedding, when her cellphone rang. It was a partner. He needed her in right away.
She explained that she was about to step on a plane.
He asked, “Well, are you actually in the wedding?”
She said no.
“Then you don’t have to be there.”
You’ve heard stories like this. One of my clients admitted to a partner that it was actually his step-grandmother’s funeral he was leaving the office to attend. This old woman had been married to his grandfather for 30 years and was the only grandmother he’d ever known, but he lost on a technicality. He couldn’t be at that funeral because she wasn’t family. Some court filing was more important.
Young attorneys at big firms don’t have personal autonomy.
Even for a two-year old, it is degrading to be treated like an infant. But at least a two year old can throw a tantrum. You don’t have that option. You have to contain all that anger, and often it gets turned inward, triggering low self-esteem and depression.
You know this problem exists – we all do. The question becomes what to do about it.
I have two suggestions:
First, lawyers can treat one another like adults instead of infants.
Virtually nothing that has to be done by Monday really has to be done by Monday. That is a law firm myth.
I remember, in the business world, my boss demanding that a contract be re-drafted by our outside counsel for Monday morning. It was Friday afternoon. I interrupted the call to say I wanted to take a look at the current draft before then, and that I’d get it to the outside counsel by Monday morning so she could sign off on my changes.
I was lying. But I could almost hear her body collapse in relief. I knew the outside counsel. She was 27 years old and had been planning to go skiing that weekend with her boyfriend. I’d worked as a lawyer at a big law firm. I knew she would be devastated if we trashed her weekend. I also knew it wasn’t that important – so I did what I had to.
I approached my boss, a Vice President of Marketing, a few days later, and talked to him about it.
“Don’t you realize how much they bill us an hour for her time?” He said. “She should work on weekends.”
When money is made more important than people, someone always suffers. I didn’t care what they billed us for her hours. I was worried about her. She was a person.
I’m making a plea here for lawyers who have had their weekends ruined to do whatever it takes to make sure someone else’s weekend isn’t ruined, too.
That means partners can try to make things more transparent, so associates have a heads-up sooner.
That means instead of pulling in some poor junior who’s going to his grandmother’s funeral, call in a paralegal, who’d probably love the over-time and can do most of the same work anyway.
That means realizing that other people are people, too, and they deserve to have some control over their lives.
My second suggestion is to you lawyers out there whose autonomy is being taken from you.
Don’t sink into helplessness and depression. At very least, re-frame this set-up as a choice. You are probably doing this big-firm thing for a few years to achieve a goal. Either you want to get senior so you have more say in things, or change firms or go in-house or maybe just pay off the loans and get out of law. This job is a step on the way to somewhere else. Never lose track of that. You have at least that much control.
Take care of yourself, too. Go visit a therapist, and complain a little. It helps to have a place where you’re in charge, and can say whatever you want.
You might even stand up a little for yourself at the office.
At the end of my stay at Sullivan & Cromwell, when I already had another job lined up and was about to announce my resignation, I happened to receive “the call” from a partner late on a Friday afternoon. He wanted some memo turned around ASAP.
Just for the heck of it, I behaved like a grown-up instead of a frightened child.
“Realistically, Bob, what’s the deadline on this?” I asked. “Could I have it for you Monday night or Tuesday morning.”
There was silence for about a count of five. Then he started screaming.
“How about right now?! What about you do it right now!?”
I answered calmly.
“Okay – not a problem. I just wanted to make sure the timetable was realistic. You see, I had weekend plans.”
There was an awkward silence on the other end of the line. He wasn’t used to this.
And then I hung up.
It wasn’t much. But, like a two year old insisting he wanted to walk over there and play with that toy right now, I’d carved out a zone of self-respect.
I’d made a point.
I was a person too.
[This piece is part of a series of columns created by The People’s Therapist in cooperation with AboveTheLaw.com. My thanks to ATL for their help with the creation of this series.]
If you enjoy these columns, please check out The People’s Therapist’s new book.
I love your columns about law firm life – I see so much of my law firm in them. Am happy that I have made the decision to leave BIGLAW in search of greener pastures
I too like your comments related to attorneys and their practice. Been doing this for 20+ years and it is a very stressful job! I was just saying this morning, I thought I was getting too old to work in the public anymore, maybe I should take the other commentors advice and search for greener pastures!
Another reason why I am THANKFUL I chose not to go to law school. If only Hollywood showed this reality of law life instead of romanticized fallacies…
I generally can’t stand your posts because they come from such a narrow, biased viewpoint and are always about the same thing. Not everyone in biglaw is fat and miserable. Yes, it’s a demanding job and there are things that suck about big law. But I’m pretty happy at my V10, and I bill plenty and still make time to exercise, have most of my weekends, and have a life. I just can’t relate to much of what you post.
That said, there is truth to the. There is too often a false sense of urgency and “last minute-ness” at law firms that I beleive often comes from rude and inconsiderate partners. They either demand something when it’s not really necessary or wait to tell you until the last minute. I’ve seen this in otherwise wonderful partners.
I’m glad to hear you’re happy where you are. Thanks for reading.
Thanks. There is still some good stuff in these. I think your column would be better if you took a more balanced approach, focusing on time management and making the most out of life and work. This article did some of that. S&C can’t have been ALL bad…
Things could be presented more as a “lessons to learn” and “effective career and life management” than a parade of horribles.
People’s Therapist, I really enjoy your columns and musings. However, I feel like your perspective really feeds the extremist propaganda of, “Ohhh BigLaw is TERRIBLE, it will suck your life away…look at this anecdote of someone being pulled from their friend’s wedding, or look at this person who was forced to miss x, y, z family event…its just sooo soul-sucking!”
The truth is that really, only that ~top 25 firm level, mega-prestigious places like your S&C, Cravath, etc. would present such stark anecdotes of unforgiving, cruel behavior…yet you use this as representative of “BigLaw” life in general, and the norm.
This is nonsense—I have friends at BigLaw firms not in the “Skadden” or “Weil” ranking level, and they have their weekends free, have pleasant enough co-workers, bosses…and only when deals close (in the corporate practice area) are they expected to pull those crazy hours (and they subside just as quickly as the come). The thing is…these people STILL get paid $160,000+, still get their free SeamlessWeb, gym memberships, outings, etc….so I guess the joke is on you, or anyone who decides to work at the upper echelon of BigLaw firms; naturally, it comes as no surprise that the most prestigious, highly ranked firms are also the most demanding…but this is intuitive and not exclusive to just the legal field; top schools typically require more studying than lower schools, etc….the difference is that the payout outside of law is appropriately pro-rated, whereas all of the “BigLaw” firms in NYC pay $145-160k+…thus, I do not understand your rationale for portraying BigLaw life as so dire, when only those top firms would be as unforgivingly demanding.
I disagree. I’m currently working with clients from all over the country – via Skype – and from firms of all ranks and sizes, and I’ve been hearing these stories across the boards. If anything, the worst anecdotes have been coming from smaller firms in secondary cities, where the salaries are lower, and – with the terrible economy – the pressure to “make your hours” and the level of partner cruelty is worse than at the big white shoe places, where there is at least a gloss of “collegiality.” I worked with a lawyer in Las Vegas on Skype the other day who was just told for the second time that it “wasn’t a good time” for her to take her vacation, which she’s earned, but hasn’t been able to take for 9 months. They also yelled at her – yes, yelled – after she failed to “make her hours” – although she’d been telling them for three weeks that she hadn’t been given enough work. And her salary is very low, at least by NYC biglaw standards. I haven’t seen what you’re describing, and I work with a lot of lawyers, and staff people, from all sorts of backgrounds.
You are correct; there are garbage insurance defense firms in NYC paying $40,000k/year with partners just as cruel, if not crueler, than those at Skadden, etc. Of course, this is the most utterly miserable situation and the worst possible combination: bad job + bad pay.
However, the people who are working for such a small firm in the private sector making a pittance were not in running for BigLaw from the beginning.
Perhaps I didn’t convey my question clearly, but for those who DO have BigLaw options, for those people who are the top of the top, who DO get offers from Sherman Sterlings, Skaddens, etc….why would they ever take these jobs? Logic follows that these people are not saying, “Ohhh…well I got no offers from the Vault 50-100 firms I applied to, so guess I gotta take my Skadden offer.”
Those BigLaw firms at the bottom of the “top” rankings have MUCH lower billable hour requirements (~1800, vs. well over 2000+ at the most prestigious firms), and across the boards on employee satisfaction surveys rank highly as to work enviroment, superiors, hours, etc. This is factually true, no question about it.
Those I know working at the S&Cs are so utterly overworked and sleep-deprived that they run on fumes. Those I know working in the trenches of private law practice make peanuts and are abused my insane, abusive superiors. But those in the latter group have no choice…whereas the people you cover who work in “BigLaw” just decided to go to the highest ranking firm they could; my question is WHY would you do that?
It is a self-selected group that comes to you, and very likely, your patients are a big part of the problem. That is not to say that there aren’t some terrible people at some law firms and some instiututional problems. But the way certain people interact in their place of employment tend to bring these out and direct all the bile onto themselves. While the associate next door is treated fairly well.
If you can get paid $160,000+ and work for extremely anal, abusive, and demanding partners, pouring hours over extensive deals (Skadden, S&C, et al.), or get paid $160,000+ to work for more congenial, pleasant people, spending fewer hours of your time working (Below V50, etc.), why would you EVER want to work at a Sherman & Sterling, etc.?
I just do not understand this and never have. Just for the “prestige” of working in the top 10, top 20? If you choose to go to the “highest ranking” firm, how can you complain, when you could have gotten paid nearly THE EXACT SAME amount of money to work less and with better people.
I graduated from a top 5 school and twice choose firms below the V50-100 thinking I had outsmarted my fellow students who were going for the brass ring of say, a S&C or a Weil. Surprise- everything Will has related here has happened at both firms (who had touted being kinder and gentler as a selling point). It was the same hell with slightly less pay and much less bonus. Biglaw is Biglaw. Don’t kid yourself.
I appreciate the insight to some people’s behaviors in anycase. We ARE all human, and sometime behave irrationally or unfairly to eachother.
You didn’t say what that female atty did who was ready to board the plane. Did she head back to the office and miss the wedding? Did she not mind you mentioning this in your article?
I’m keeping “her” anonymous – but yes, the attorney in question went back to the office and worked all weekend, missing a best friend’s wedding.
I work for an AMLAW 100, and I have had to work a lot of weekends, but thankfully I’ve never been asked to cancel a vacation (though I’ve worked remotely during many a vacation). I can’t belive she agreed to come back. You have to say no to those requests–there is always someone else who could cover for you for the weekend.
Thanks for your article.
I formerly worked at a V50 BigLaw firm. While I never directly experienced any verbal thrashings or had a partner tell me I had to cancel a vacation, I almost always was required to take “working” vacations. Even when I wasn’t on vacation, assignments regularly buzzed in on my blackberry during weekends or after 7 pm on weeknights. In addition, the stress of knowing the next disruption of my personal life was always one e-mail away rarely allowed me to feel any sense of relaxation. That’s what a $200,000+ salary required.
Now, I work for the federal government and could not be happier. The hours are manageable, people are collegial and the substantive quality of the work could not be higher. Instead of constantly seeing people walking around the office with terrified and overly stressed expressions, people now smile and say hello. At BigLaw, the water cooler discussion was typcially about how much the job sucked, now they are about all the interesting projects people are working on and actually want to talk about. For me, the extra pre-tax dollars were definitely not worth the price.
I’ve heard good things about working at federal agencies – unfortunately, those jobs are becoming more and more sought after – and harder and harder to find.
Thanks for reading – and sharing your experiences.
But what are junior folks at these firms really supposed to do? I was at a V20 firm and actually did try to do things like trade work with other associates so maybe my co-worker could go to her kid’s play one night and I could go to my friend’s birthday dinner the next. Fair, right? Ha! As soon as I said “since you’d like tonight off, why don’t you go home and I’ll make these changes then you can be on call tomorrow night while I go” I’d get this look from the other (often more senior) associate like I’d just said I’d rather go home and eat pudding and watch Mr Rogers than get this production out the door. And forget saying to a partner “I can be free tonight, but just let me know because I have plans I’ll need to cancel.” Heaven forbid I should want to make it out to drinks with friends if, by some chance, I was actually free! And certainly my friends were way out of line if they expected me to cancel on them in a timely way. Didn’t they know that being friends with a big firm lawyer meant they had to wait and wait and wait for me at the restaurant until, two hours after I was supposed to be there, I might finally call and say I wasn’t supposed to make it? No, while I was at the Firm, the Firm was supposed to be all that was on my mind at any time and all else had to be put aside for the Firm. Any questions about things affecting life outside the firm were taboo. My outside life was supposed to just make do without bothering the firm. So it’s great and all to say “take charge” (and the firm itself even gave us seminars on work life balance and “setting boundaries”) but you really can only do that when you already have a job lined up and are on your way out.
I stood up for myself and got fired.
I went through the appropriate channels and complained about a partner’s behavior towards me at an afterwork event, and shortly thereafter I got less and less work until I was told to go.
I tend to think that when you’re in a situation where you are not being treated with respect, you need to respect yourself to find another job before they have the chance to fire you.
[…] The Terrible Twos You pass through a stage when you’re about two years old – the famous “terrible twos.” It’ […] […]
Thanks for this. A good way I found to cope with the total lack of autonomy was to remind myself that all the suffering was a choice I had made to achieve something else, and that it was for a limited time. I said to myself, in the middle of the horror, “they may own you, your life and your health (via sleep deprivation), but they cannot stop the clock from ticking, and every second counts”. Somehow, to see from my office a car crossing the Brooklyn Bridge gave me a sense of time passing by and the reassuring comfort that time was on my side. “This will end some day”. And it did. I left for a nicer place, where I feel appreciated, but BigLaw was a useful step.
[…] The Terrible Twos You pass through a stage when you’re about two years old – the famous “terrible twos.” It’s marked by […] […]
As a BIGLAW associate who’s just crossed the “fed up to point of looking at exits” stage, I have to say I’d be more impressed if you’d done what I think of doing each time–that is, asking “WHY?” Why does it have to be done now? Why can’t it wait until Monday. My plans are important, especially since 8 out of every 10 weekends there is a true emergency. So if it can possibly wait, WHY shouldn’t it?
I just told a partner (admittedly someone I am close with and trust) that if they want someone who can get everything they expect done in the time frame they expect, they need to let me know and hopefully let me stay a few more months until I find something else.
I loved this piece. I’m a summer in NYC, and just two days ago, my partner assigned me something at 7pm with the title URGENT, saying that his client had an emergency. If I could just put in a few hours and get something back to him the next day.
I kindly said no, I was working on other matters. No response until 5am the next day, but by that time, I had staved off pulling a possible all nighter. Truth be told, I worked til midnight anyways doing other stuff that was due, but it might be the best point of my summer. Just saying no felt so good.