“He lets me down every time. Why did I think this time would be different? Was it because I needed him so much?”
We sat in silence, in my office, while I gave my client the space she needed to have her tears. She had just crossed the country to Oregon to visit a father she barely knew. The visit was intended to give their relationship another chance, but sure enough he was worse than ever – drunk and abusive. His first comment when she stepped off the plane was about her weight. She was crushed.
I was reminded of another client I’d seen the week before, preparing to come out as gay to his Venezuelan mother.
“I can’t tell her. It’s killing me to live this lie, but she’s all I have – my only family. If she disowns me, I’ll be alone.”
He, too, shed tears.
These clients are two examples of people navigating parental separation.
You will go through this, too, like everyone else. It is inevitable.
You might be close to your parents. They might be wonderfully supportive, and good friends. You may love them deeply. But love and anger go together – two sides of the same coin. If you love people intensely, you must also have your anger towards them. A child cannot own his anger at his parents – he requires their care to survive, so if there is any disruption in that care, he blames himself for failing to please his care providers. In the child’s mind, it must be his fault that the parents are failing to provide the care he needs. Above all else, he knows he cannot survive without his parents’ care, so he must please them, and that means he cannot have anger towards them. As an adult, you can own your anger at your parents – and so you must, just as you must begin to provide care for yourself.
As an adult, you digest the reality that parents are people, no different from yourself – not the omnipotent gods of your childhood. Your parents will fail you. They will disappoint you – even the very most well-intentioned parents. All parents disappoint their children, because parenting is an impossible job.
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The People's Therapist 