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Archive for the ‘AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries’ Category

Out of tune

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged addiction, advice, dystonic, enabling, food issues, intervention, modeling, overweight, psychoeducation, syntonic on April 18, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I received the following letter regarding telling people things they don’t want to hear:

Dear People’s Therapist

I have been a fan of your blog for a long time, and thank you for running the blog! I have the following question:
My mother-in-law is obese. My father-in-law just passed away a year ago from diabetes. My husband wants to talk to his mother to get her to lose weight because he doesn’t want to lose her (she is almost 60 years old). We tried hinting but it got no where. We tried inviting her over to our house for healthy dinners but because I’m Chinese and my husband is Caucasian American, our Chinese diet of vegetables and tofu is not exactly her cup of tea. We tried analyzing the situation and decided that she doesn’t eat much during meals but she snacks a lot on junk foods. My husband wants to know how can he talk to his mother about her losing weight and not hurt her feelings or sound like we don’t like fat people (my husband and I are the only skinny people in the family)??

Thank you very much!!

Y

And here’s my response:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist.
========

If you’re interested in learning more about the scientific and philosophical underpinnings of psychotherapy, you might enjoy my first book, “Life is a Brief Opportunity for Joy”

My second book takes a humorous look at the current state of the legal profession, “Way Worse Than Being A Dentist”

(Both books are also available on bn.com and the Apple iBookstore.)

For information on my private practice, click here.

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Ugly Duckling

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged bar exam, Central Park, feeling like a loser, finance, loser, playing working loving, self-esteem, sustaining authentic contact on March 21, 2012| 12 Comments »

I received the following letter from “S”:

This is the situation: my boyfriend of three years is an overachiever. He attended the best schools and now works in NYC. He’s in finance, from his personal office he sees most of Central Park, and I love him very much. As for me, I am currently studying for the Bar Exam. I’ll probably pass, but it’s not like I’m very confident about it. I do not have either the background or the grades to make it to a big law firm, and I am uncertain about what to do with my career. When I’m with my boyfriend, I can’t help but to compare my situation with his, and even though I don’t want to admit it, I’m jealous. My boyfriend never pressured me, and he is 100% behind me, but I still feel like a loser. How to deal then when people in your entourage succeed and you feel you’re the only one having to catch up?

Thank you, S

And here’s my response:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist.
========

If you’re interested in learning more about the scientific and philosophical underpinnings of psychotherapy, you might enjoy my first book, “Life is a Brief Opportunity for Joy”

My second book takes a humorous look at the current state of the legal profession, “Way Worse Than Being A Dentist”

(Both books are also available on bn.com and the Apple iBookstore.)

For information on my private practice, click here.

Read Full Post »

Your inner little twerp

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged ADHD, awareness, best self, Id, inner child, OCD, personality, Pleasure Principle, psychotherapy on February 22, 2012| 2 Comments »

I received the following letter regarding humankind’s on-going battle with its own impulses:

Hi Will,

I really enjoy reading your blog, you give great insight. I have often been told that I need to focus (I do not have ADHD or any other attention disorder).My problem or what others see as a problem is that I tend have a large array of interests and life goals that are not necessarily connected for which I have much passion. There so many things I want to do, but the older I get the more I feel like everyone is right. I need to pick an area or two at most on which to focus. I have heard the arguments for and against the jack of all trades approach to life, but I am still not sold. I don’t want to focus; I want to do it all. I am I being overly idealistic? Is it necessary for one to focus on their energy on one specific passion? If so, how does one decide how to go about focusing their energy on something specific?

-DH

And here’s my response:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist.
========

If you’re interested in learning more about the scientific and philosophical underpinnings of psychotherapy, you might enjoy my first book, “Life is a Brief Opportunity for Joy”

My second book takes a humorous look at the current state of the legal profession, “Way Worse Than Being A Dentist”

(Both books are also available on bn.com and the Apple iBookstore.)

For information on my private practice, click here.

Read Full Post »

Talk therapy vs type therapy

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged authentic contact, body language, facial expressions, Group therapy, psychotherapy, talk therapy, talking, writing, written word on January 25, 2012| 4 Comments »

This month’s question for The People’s Therapist gets to the heart of how psychotherapy – “talk therapy” – actually works:

Why is psychotherapy conducted exclusively face-to-face, rather than in writing? I find that I express myself much more clearly and precisely in writing, after having had the chance to ruminate on my response — it’s one of the reasons I’m pursuing law as a career. I’ll bet this is something I share with other lawyers and law students. Having time to consider my response also reduces the risk that when I happen to have my precious hour in session, I’ll be guarded and not in a very sharing mood, and the hour will be unproductive for the both of us. Having the written word as an intermediary allows me to present myself much more honestly.

Thanks,

M

And here’s my response:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist.
========

If you’re interested in learning more about the scientific and philosophical underpinnings of psychotherapy, you might enjoy my first book, “Life is a Brief Opportunity for Joy”

My second book takes a humorous look at the current state of the legal profession, “Way Worse Than Being A Dentist”

(Both books are also available on bn.com and the Apple iBookstore.)

For information on my private practice, click here.

Read Full Post »

Unbalanced

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged balance, psychotherapy, regression, relationships on December 21, 2011| 2 Comments »

I received the following letter concerning the tricky business of maintaining a relationship:

Dear Will,

I’m a recent law school graduate studying for the bar exam. I just got into another argument with my boyfriend of four years, and I’m feeling frustrated and upset.

Our relationship tends to break down when I’m going through a period of heightened stress — writing my law school admissions essays, studying for finals at the end of each semester, and now, studying for the bar. I know I can get moody and depressed during these times, but I’m up front with him about my state of mind, and I wish he could be more understanding.

The problem is that, on the one hand, I’m starting to feel like the girl who cried wolf, since these periods of stress have happened regularly throughout our relationship. On the other hand, I still feel hurt and upset when he loses patience with me, like I can’t rely on him during tough times.

Any thoughts or advice you can provide would be much appreciated.

Thank you,

L

And here’s my response:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist.
========

Please check out The People’s Therapist’s new book, “Way Worse Than Being A Dentist”

I also recommend my first book, “Life is a Brief Opportunity for Joy”

(Both books are also available on bn.com and the Apple iBookstore.)

Read Full Post »

On Bouncing Back

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged anger, death, depression, fear, grief, loss, medication, metabolizing feelings, recovery, sadness, trauma on November 24, 2011| 3 Comments »

I received a letter regarding trauma and grief:

Can you explain the long term effects of psychological trauma? Four years ago I experienced two deaths in my family, sudden deaths by accident. I’ve never suffered from depression before the deaths of my kids, but truthfully just haven’t really bounced back as much as I’d have liked to.

I’d be interested in hearing what your thoughts are on depression after a traumatic death/grief and if that trauma makes one more susceptible to depression in general, what if any are other factors involved- (a second opinion if you will)? My therapist mentioned medication recently as a possible option since I have experienced two bouts of depression lasting three and five weeks respectively both occurring since Christmastime.

What factors should I be considering in making my decision regarding medication?

Thanks,

J

Here’s my answer:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist.
========

Please check out The People’s Therapist’s new book, “Way Worse Than Being A Dentist: The Lawyer’s Quest for Meaning”.

I can also heartily recommend my first book, “Life is a Brief Opportunity for Joy”.

(Both books are also available on bn.com and the Apple iBookstore.)

Read Full Post »

The ex from hell

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged boundaries, confidentiality, Group therapy, psychotherapy, trust on January 22, 2011| Leave a Comment »

An intriguing question from “A”:

My boyfriend’s ex has gone through therapy one on one and in a group setting. She now thinks she can diagnose and help anyone. In her mind she is “helping” but in reality she is being intrusive, causing more problems, trying to find out secrets. I see this as someone who is in a delusion that she can fix anyone and is looking for someone who is in her opinion broken. She thinks that she is bonding with people by “helping them”. She even tries to make you feel comfortable by saying she is a “bleeding heart.”

I see it as she is prying into to people’s lives looking for dirt to use against them. I guess being trusted with someones secrets somehow makes her feel that she has created an unbreakable bond. My instinct is to run away as fast as I can from this person. I think she is dangerous, manipulative, untrustworthy, and only motivated by money not true friendship.

This is the second one of his (my boyfriend) female friends that I don’t like or trust. The first one was in love with my boyfriend and trying to break us up.

I know that everyone needs friends but I cannot help her. I cannot be a true friend to her because I don’t trust her. Life is hard enough without someone playing the therapist game. Does she realize that this game she is playing is dangerous and can have severe consequences? What does it say about me that I don’t want to have anything to do with her?

And here’s my answer:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist!

==========
Check out The People’s Therapist’s new book: “Life is a Brief Opportunity for Joy“

Read Full Post »

Separated at birth?

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged awareness, consciousness, psychotherapy, relationship, transference, transference reaction on December 22, 2010| Leave a Comment »

An interesting question that touches on some basic Freudian theory:

I’ve been reading your blog for the past few months and I really enjoy it. I hope you can help with this problem that has completely stumped me.

Eight years ago I left an abusive relationship. In general things are much better now, I don’t have nightmares anymore, and it doesn’t generally affect me on a day to day basis. Or so I thought.

I have a deep hatred for one of my coworkers that I was never really able to explain. It suddenly occurred to me that he reminds me of my abusive ex. That is, he reminds me of the way my abusive ex appears when you first meet him. Friendly but in a really jokey way, a little awkward, a little self involved. They’re like twins, on the surface. I try to tell myself that this does not mean he’s like my ex once you really get to know him, but it doesn’t help. I hate him. And now that I’ve realized why I hate him I only hate him more.

What can I do about this? I’d like to stop hating him but if I can’t do that, how do I handle it?

Thank you for your help,

S

And here’s my answer:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist!

Check out The People’s Therapist’s new book.

Read Full Post »

Glad to be unhappy

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged passive aggression, reflective listening, victimhood on November 10, 2010| 2 Comments »

Here’s an interesting letter that arrived unsigned:

I need help addressing a situation with a friend.

About 8 years ago, her dad passed away suddenly, and she continues to miss and mourn her dad. We’ve been friends for about 6 years and for as long as I’ve known her, she’s always been… down. There are parts that are more obvious or easier for me to understand — for example, she gets very sad around Father’s Day and her dad’s birthday.

Then there are parts that are just what I’ve experienced as her general outlook on life. She always finds something to be sad about. For example, she had complained about her job and coworkers and the long commute that was a strain on her social life. Then she applied to and got a new job that will shrink her commute from 2 hours to 20 minutes each way. I was so excited for her and called to congratulate her. But she had already switched gears. She spoke about how she’ll miss her coworkers and the familiarity of her old job, and how the new job has a more formal dress code.

That’s just an example. And I’m finding it increasingly difficult to interact with her without being affected (or angered or frustrated) by her pessimistic outlook, which she sometimes applies to good news that I share. I’ve suspected that her father’s death underlies her melancholy and have suggested several times that she seeks counseling, but she’s dismissed that suggestion.

Her down-ness has made me less inclined to talk with her. She expresses a lot of appreciation for my friendship and often tells me that I lift her spirits and am a ray of sunshine to her. But I don’t think she knows how much effort it takes, or how she’s often like a gray cloud to me. How do I express this to her in a way that won’t make her more sad or down? Should I?

Thanks.

And here’s my answer:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist!

Read Full Post »

Balance of power

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged associate, boundaries, enforcing boundaries, exploitation, law firm, partner, power relationship, relationship, role on September 28, 2010| 3 Comments »

“A” wrote in with the following question:

I wanted to know your thoughts on the imbalance in power relationships at law firms.

My boyfriend, J,works for a partner in a firm. They’ve worked together on and off for 5 years. The partner was an associate when J joined as a trainee. They’ve been ‘friends’ but the friendship is not balanced. There’s an increasing tendency for the personal and professional relationship to blend, and not in a good way.
The partner will abuse his ability to prevent certain social situations from happening by increasing J’s work load. If we don’t agree to socialize on the weekend with him and his wife then the partner can make life difficult as well. He has a very controlling and dominating nature, and will often send emails which are childish and aggressive to J if he doesn’t get his way.

My question is … Is it ever appropriate to have a personal relationship with anyone who is in a position of power over you?

I find that it is not, and as a by stander in this merry-go round of their relationship with one another find that I am a helpless player who gets dragged in from time to time, but is unable to stand up and defend herself because, according to J, ‘he’s a partner and it’ll make work more complicated for me if we upset him.’

Also how to extract ourselves from this? J is in the process of applying for a new position elsewhere, but he still intimates that in the future he’ll want to continue being friends with this partner. Is this some kind of negative symbiotic relationship, whose negative side he cannot recognize because he’s been in it for so long?

And here’s my answer:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist!

Read Full Post »

Passive. Aggressive.

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged anger, boundaries, enforcing boundaries, investigating feelings, modeling active communication, passive aggression on August 19, 2010| Leave a Comment »

It turns out that A.M.’s question was a two-parter. Here’s part two:

What strategies can you suggest for dealing with passive-aggression, in both the workplace and in intimate relationships? Is there an effective way to set boundaries with a person who is setting out to undermine them? How can you best maintain your integrity and self-esteem when subjected to it, and avoid being a target in the future?

And here’s my answer:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist!

Read Full Post »

Stuck.

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged dissertation, Id, inner child, procrastination, stuck, thesis, writer's block on July 13, 2010| 4 Comments »

This week’s question is from A.M.:

What strategies can you suggest for someone who is stuck when writing, say a thesis or a dissertation? Two people dear to me have essentially withdrawn from society, apparently unable to deal with the ego strain of finishing this last piece of the degree. Any thoughts?

And here’s my answer:

[Youtube=http://www.youtube.com/w?v=bjcf95c083E]

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist!

Read Full Post »

The origin of your personality

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged awareness, change, learned behaviors, nature, nurture, personality flaws, shyness on June 26, 2010| 4 Comments »

This week’s question comes from L, in New York City. She asks:

Do you think that personality “flaws” (e.g. shyness, lack of confidence/self-esteem, being an approval-seeker) are entirely learned behaviors, or do you think that to some extent you are born with these characteristics? In other words, what do you think about nature vs. nurture when it comes to personality?

Here’s my answer:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist!

Read Full Post »

Maintaining a self boundary

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged competition, self boundary, toxic work environment, work environment on June 13, 2010| 2 Comments »

This week’s question is from Laure, in Canada. She writes:

Thank you for blogging about the various issues raised during your therapy sessions, I find it most interesting to read and learn from! I particularly appreciate your insight on lawyer patients, as I I will soon be entering law school, and all of your comments on trust (trusting others at the law firm, trusting one’s therapist and one’s partner, for example).

I was wondering if you could please develop and give examples on how to apply your advice given during your interview with Above the law (February 11, 2010) :

“I’d tell them to maintain a “self boundary” – a sort of emotional insulation from the toxic environment of law firms. There is work, and there is you, and there is a firm boundary between the two. You can do what is asked of you, and tolerate some brutal treatment at the office, but that toxicity doesn’t enter your soul; it doesn’t get in where it shouldn’t be, where you dwell, with the child that you were, the vulnerable you that needs love and care and appreciation.”

How would a law student go about shutting out the toxic environment and competitiveness of law school?

And here is my answer:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist!

Read Full Post »

Mr. Right?

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged abandonment, alliance, attraction, opposition, respect, solitude, trust on May 29, 2010| 3 Comments »

Ashley sent in an intriguing question a few weeks ago, which I’ve been pondering…

Here’s her question:

I’ve been thinking about a question for you for awhile, one that might be “deserving” for your blog, but I keep coming back to the same one, so I’ll just go ahead and ask: how do you know if the relationship you’re in is “right” for you? Obviously this is going to be different for every person, but it seems like a lot of the conventional wisdom — “wait, you’ll just know” — is kind of asking people to check in with their “guts” (or, I guess I should say, their “lizard brains”?), and maybe that’s not a bad thing…but it certainly makes it difficult to separate the considerations of what kind of partnership might really make you happy from whether or not you are just scared shitless to be alone. At least it is for me.

And here’s my answer:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist!

Read Full Post »

Exchanging vows

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged commitment, marriage, relationship, relationships, vows on May 22, 2010| 4 Comments »

This week’s question was a bit long, but it raised interesting issues, so I’ll print it in full:

My boyfriend and I have decided to have a wedding. We’re not getting married in the legal sense, and in fact I share many of your views on civil marriage and lifelong commitment, but we like the idea of a party with our friends to celebrate our union with one another as it is right now and will remain for the foreseeable future, and we’ve been together long enough that we don’t think people will take issue. I spent part of this morning working on some words I could say that, for me, define my commitment.

When I was six years old, my dad left my mom. I asked each of them, at different points, why that happened, and their answers have always resonated with me. My mom said that my dad had told her that he decided at one point early in their relationship that he wasn’t going to bring up a problem unless it ranked a 9 or a 10, and then one day he looked around and there were piles of 7’s and 8’s. He told me that my mom had all kinds of expectations that she never communicated, but would then get disappointed and upset when they weren’t fulfilled. When I was brainstorming my vows this morning, here’s what I came up with:

I promise to be with you as long as we both so choose.

I promise to talk to you when there is a problem, even a little one, but to do so with love.

I promise to be honest with you about my expectations.

I promise to learn how to be a better partner to you every day.

I only got that far before I looked at it and realized what I had done. What a slap in the face. Right there in the middle, my parents voices were still telling me what not to do in a relationship. In my mind, these are the two reasons relationships fail, so I have to do the opposite. My question is whether this is really a bad thing. It’s not like the promises I’m making, to communicate clearly with a partner, are so strange or egregious, and I’ve known for a long time that some of my habits in relationships were governed by those words I heard as a child. Still, it makes me want to reconsider what it is that makes a meaningful commitment between two people, and define it as what it is, rather than what it’s not. How worried should I be?

Maggie

And here’s my answer:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist!

Read Full Post »

A difficult friend

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged direct communication, enforcing boundaries on May 14, 2010| Leave a Comment »

This week’s Ask The People’s Therapist question comes from Stephanie, who’s having problems dealing with her best friend:

I don’t know what to do and I am pretty angry and annoyed with myself lately. I have basically enabled a close friend of mine by consistently giving in to her wants/desires and not setting up proper boundaries over the 22 years of our friendship, saying yes to activities and outings even when I would rather not have.

In the beginning, I thought her behavior was funny and was flattered that she insisted on including me in every area of her life. Even at times that I didn’t feel quite up to it, her strong personality won and her persuasiveness and persistence was easier to give into than fight.

Truthfully, most of her friends don’t have the balls to say no to her. In recent years, she has become bitter that she never married and seems to expect me to be there for her even more. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve put myself in a bad position. I am angry at myself for not knowing how to say no. That if I said how I really feel now, it would shock her and hurt her feelings and probably create permanent weirdness in our friendship.

I am scared to bring it up verbally. I’d rather create space and boundaries through my actions. What would you suggest I do to take some of the pressure off of myself?

And here’s my answer:

To submit a question to Ask The People’s Therapist, please email it as text or a video to: wmeyerhofer@aquietroom.com

If I answer your question on the site, you’ll win a free session of psychotherapy with The People’s Therapist!

Read Full Post »

A breakup. A three year old. A phone.

Posted in AskThePeople'sTherapistSeries, tagged best interests of the child, divorce, infidelity, mistress, separation on May 8, 2010| 2 Comments »

This week’s question comes from “S”. Here’s a lightly edited version:

Is it reasonable for a Father to ask his 3 year old son to call him every day?

Due to his Father having an affair that he wishes to explore and pursue, we’re separated.

The Father says that he misses his son and then asks that his son call him every day. I feel like I’ve made the point to the Father repeatedly and he either can’t hear or understand.

If you miss your son, then you need to call your son. He needs to have you call him so that he knows that you miss him. He will associate the action of you calling him with you missing and caring about him.

I get a lot of excuses for why he can’t call but my all time favorite is, “There is a time difference.” Amazing he can figure out the time difference between the West Coast and Asia to talk to his Mistress. But between the West Coast and the 50th State, just can’t do it. In every instance of my son asking to talk to his Dad, which has been all of once, I have called.

What’s your best advice here? Do I dig my heels in? Do I just make the call? Or do I wait for my son to ask to call his Dad? How do you communicate with a person like this?

And here’s my answer: